Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I love you, in that you make my job so easy. And I don't even feel bad for you, like I do for Britney.

Leopard-print dresses are hard to pull off. Leopard-print leggings should be pulled off of the legs of whoever wears them, immediately. Combined, the two create a spectacularly hideous combination. Bravo, Paris.

And, by the way, when they said metallics were hot for the holiday season, they didn't mean a gold clutch, bag, and coat paired with gold shoes. (And the jungle-themed disaster I mentioned previously).

Rumer Willis

Let me get this straight: I hated Rumer's recent short haircuts. I gasped, along with the rest of the sane world, as she bleached it and dyed it and probably sold its soul to the devil, for all I know.

But this isn't much of an improvement. At all.


I've always been fascinated by the magic of extensions, but the whole point is for them not to look like extensions, even if everyone knows that you had inch-long fuzz the day before. These look like the sort of ratty wig remnants that Britney Spears might wear. And come on, Rumer. Can't your parents help you pick out something better? Please?

Lindsey Lohan

I truly feel sorry for Lindsey, more than any other screwed-up celebrity: after all, she's just a girl! My daughter idolized her after the Parent Trap! And now...in rehab, out rehab, drunk driving, cocaine, etc...it's depressing. At least I think- hope- that's she's starting to pull her life back together a little bit.

That's why I no longer feel too guilty to comment on her outfits. Like this:

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever like shiny leggings. Especially these, which look disturbingly like tights from some angles. Speaking of disturbing, is it just me or is Lindsey a little bit orange? Scratch that, she's very orange and it's freaking me out. There should be a law prohibiting people from buying more than 1 bottle of self-tanner at a time; perhaps there would be less Oompa-Loopa look-a-likes in this world.

As a side note, I love her shoes and bag, and have no problem with the shirt. But the hair...don't we have enough troubled Hollywood blonds already?

Hilary Swank

For once, I'm sort of on the fence.


I get the idea of this dress. I really do. But all those black ruffles seem so...grim. And almost dowdy. And I don't like the bejeweled belt, or the multi-colored earrings, or the fact that Hilary chose to lean on a random metal post for support, especially while Mr. Butler's arm was already around her. But I do love her hair, and something about this dress is profoundly interesting. I don't know. What do you think?

Gwen Stefani

Dearest Gwen,


I love your makeup. Your makeup is great. It's terrific. It's...

I can't bear it anymore. I'll explode. YOUR HAIR IS STUPID! I had hair like that at the age of 3. I haven't forgiven my parents yet. Your eyeliner may be perfect, and your lips might be that elusive ideal shade of red, but none of that matters. You look like you have little broccoli sprouting all over your head.

A word of warning: this is not the best look for anyone. If Gwen Stefani can't pull it off, nobody can.

Happy 50th Post, with Rachel Bilson

First off: I'm very happy to report that this is Fashion Poirot's 50th post. I'm extremely proud that Fashion Poirot turned out to be the little blog that could- despite of all the obstacles. So thank you, readers- for reading!

And who better to help us celebrate this joyous day than Rachel Bilson?

I must admit, the comparison isn't exactly working out for her. I probably would never have noticed her outfit, if she hadn't been standing next to the just-as-petite and just-as-sparkly, yet immaculate, Kristen Bell. Kristen balances all of her proportions perfectly and makes her legs look miles long. Also, it's refreshing to see a sparkling holiday dress that's actually dress-length, as opposed to tunic- or shirt-length.

I like Rachel's top (and hair, and makeup, and slim figure, and guest spot on Chuck)...but her pants are too long. They're not stylishly long, they're just way too long. When Katie Holmes wears too-long pants, she looks like she needs a tailor. However, when women of shorter stature, such as Rachel, wear too-long pants, they look like they accidentally forgot half of each leg at the bus stop one day. If that makes any sense at all.

Rumer Willis

Ugh.


I had been foolishly optimistic enough to believe that the formal shorts epidemic had died down, at least for the season. I was very wrong. These ill-fitting incarnations of my least-favorite trend should never have seen the light of day.

Like some, er, other things. Like...oh, I don't know...her bra, maybe? I can tell that the Golden Globes will be an exciting night for the fashion world, judging by this outfit.

SPECIAL POST: Jennifer Morrison

Oh, Jen! No! Don't do this to me! I love you on House. I love your character, and I'm sort of beginning to warm to the blond hair and the retro old-Hollywood feel you've been channeling at all of the awards shows this fall. But this...


I think that in your heart, you know that this is a bad look for you. The dress could be so cute...and then it has to finish with a furry bodice? It's probably just velvety, but it looks furry. Judging from your facial expressions in all of the photos, you're pretty doubtful. And with good reason. You can wear a fur wrap over a dress, sure...but as part of a dress?

And right after this fiasco, too:


Be warned, Jennifer. (Yes, more stern now). Fashion Poirot still loves you. But if you keep dressing like this, that might just change...

Fergie

Dearest Fergie,


We get it, already. You think you're hot. We should too. You bear absolutely zero, zero, ZERO resemblance to a man. But there are more subtle ways of sending such messages. This looks like a Victorian torture instrument-like corset gone very wrong. Especially with that chain-mail bag...it's all very Spanish Inquisition. I'm a little bit scared, actually. You're a walking Iron Maiden. And you're frightening everybody around you.

Unknown!

I don't know who this lady standing next to Ms. Hudgens is, but I do know that I hate her dress.


Even if you are in Miami, that's no reason to wear what amounts to a full-length swimsuit.