Saturday, November 17, 2007

SPECIAL POST: Lisa Edelstein

Sigh. This hurts me deeply. I LOVE Lisa; I love House, I love her character, I think she looks great...but...

YOU'RE NOT 5 YEARS OLD, LISA. Don't look so darn happy. You're wearing a cutesy party frock that, I admit, would look darling on a toddler (albeit in a smaller size, I hope), but you have killer curves! I know; I watch House! Can't you inject just a little bit of Dr. Cuddy's high heeled, tight skirted, high cleavage-d sexiness into this outfit? We sorely miss your waist. And why, why did you pair it with demure black flats? You sadden me, Lisa. Try harder next time, ok? Please.

Kate Bosworth

Today, when I was scouting for new fashion victims- or criminals, as I prefer to think of them- I came across this photo of Kate, along with the interesting tidbit that she has heterochromia- in other words, one blue eye and one hazel eye.

That got me thinking, "Maybe she has some other dangerous, undiagnosed eye condition. Like... can't-see-her-clothes-itis, a.k.a. fashion blindness?"

Because I refuse to believe that a sane person with normal vision would willingly go out in public in this. As it so often happens, the concept was intriguing, but the result was disgusting. The little sleeve on her right shoulder looks more like a malignant growth (this post is ending up very medicine-oriented), and the folds across the stomach totally skew her petite, almost-too-thin figure.

I think the material of this dress truly bothers me; it bears an uncanny resemblance to cheap vinyl, the kind that you usually see rotting in sleazy restaurant booths. And although I like her hair, makeup, and clutch, her shoes seem just a tad heavy and aggressive. Or maybe it's just the nasty, cold weather here in Ohio that makes me bitter each time I see some dainty starlet wearing open-toed shoes.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Jennifer Connelly

Oh, Jennifer, why must you do this to me? I love you, I really do. You're so talented and pretty...and yet:

Admittedly, this is not the worst thing ever seen on Fashion Poirot. What concerns me is that recently you've been leaning towards very fashion-forward ensembles that don't quite translate so well from the runway to the red carpet. Or, you know. Black carpet, in this case. I think the sash-like thing is the worst part; it looks woven. As in, woven baskets. And the ruffles are just too disorganized; rather than flowing serenely, they just sort of stick out limply.

Sigh. This dress almost worked. Almost.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Rachel Bilson

Hey, Rachel, what's the matter? You're very cute and all, but that does not mean that you can wear something like this without raising some serious questions.

Serious questions, like "Is that a really badly designed dress, or did she just randomly wrap herself in two complimentary pillowcases and belt them together, and hastily add some dollar-store bangles as jewelry?"

Sadly, I think the "badly designed dress" option is more likely, unless that girl has a lot of faith in the staying power (or rather, staying-decent-power) of loose, drape-y, unconnected things. At least her shoes are nice.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Aw, man. This is no fun for me, because I think Maggie is kinda awesome. She doesn't have the typical Hollywood look, and she's a great actress, too. But this...isn't so great.

This looks like something that might have worked in theory. Or maybe not. There's just so much going on. The feathers are definitely scary; add the sequins, and you have a sort of cave-woman/flapper blend that seems pretty disturbing. The satin part looks weird around her midriff. And for the love of god, why, why did she go and pair it with red booties?!?! RED!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Maggie Q

I love animals. I love animal societies, and people who are part of them. Really, I do.

But being kind to other species does not permit being this cruel to the eyes and computer screens of your own species, Maggie.

Yes, I know, you're part of the whole new sell-kindness-with-sex thing. I get it. But WE CAN SEE YOUR BRA. ALL OF IT. Plus, I don't like the rosettes on your shoes. I'm fine with sexy clothes...but wardrobe malfunctions? Or, at least, what appear to be wardrobe malfunctions? No.

Most amusing, I think, is that this party is called the Lint Roller Party. Lint roller? Really?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Zac Efron

I have heard from several people that I should comment on mens' fashion. The results of my poll seemed to agree, so here we go.

A while back, on the old Fashion Poirot at ebloggy, I commented on Zac Efron's choice of flip-flops with a black suit.

Here, again, he illustrates a big no-no of fashion for BOTH genders:

Don't look so smug, Zac. We can see your Calvin Kleins. He seems to be a repeat offender in this area; but buying shirts that are too short and pants that ride too low doesn't make you a heartthrob, Zac. Even if the majority of America's preteens disagree vehemently.