Friday, December 14, 2007

Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I love you, in that you make my job so easy. And I don't even feel bad for you, like I do for Britney.

Leopard-print dresses are hard to pull off. Leopard-print leggings should be pulled off of the legs of whoever wears them, immediately. Combined, the two create a spectacularly hideous combination. Bravo, Paris.

And, by the way, when they said metallics were hot for the holiday season, they didn't mean a gold clutch, bag, and coat paired with gold shoes. (And the jungle-themed disaster I mentioned previously).

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Rumer Willis

Let me get this straight: I hated Rumer's recent short haircuts. I gasped, along with the rest of the sane world, as she bleached it and dyed it and probably sold its soul to the devil, for all I know.

But this isn't much of an improvement. At all.

I've always been fascinated by the magic of extensions, but the whole point is for them not to look like extensions, even if everyone knows that you had inch-long fuzz the day before. These look like the sort of ratty wig remnants that Britney Spears might wear. And come on, Rumer. Can't your parents help you pick out something better? Please?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lindsey Lohan

I truly feel sorry for Lindsey, more than any other screwed-up celebrity: after all, she's just a girl! My daughter idolized her after the Parent Trap! And rehab, out rehab, drunk driving, cocaine,'s depressing. At least I think- hope- that's she's starting to pull her life back together a little bit.

That's why I no longer feel too guilty to comment on her outfits. Like this:

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever like shiny leggings. Especially these, which look disturbingly like tights from some angles. Speaking of disturbing, is it just me or is Lindsey a little bit orange? Scratch that, she's very orange and it's freaking me out. There should be a law prohibiting people from buying more than 1 bottle of self-tanner at a time; perhaps there would be less Oompa-Loopa look-a-likes in this world.

As a side note, I love her shoes and bag, and have no problem with the shirt. But the hair...don't we have enough troubled Hollywood blonds already?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Hilary Swank

For once, I'm sort of on the fence.

I get the idea of this dress. I really do. But all those black ruffles seem so...grim. And almost dowdy. And I don't like the bejeweled belt, or the multi-colored earrings, or the fact that Hilary chose to lean on a random metal post for support, especially while Mr. Butler's arm was already around her. But I do love her hair, and something about this dress is profoundly interesting. I don't know. What do you think?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Gwen Stefani

Dearest Gwen,

I love your makeup. Your makeup is great. It's terrific. It's...

I can't bear it anymore. I'll explode. YOUR HAIR IS STUPID! I had hair like that at the age of 3. I haven't forgiven my parents yet. Your eyeliner may be perfect, and your lips might be that elusive ideal shade of red, but none of that matters. You look like you have little broccoli sprouting all over your head.

A word of warning: this is not the best look for anyone. If Gwen Stefani can't pull it off, nobody can.