Maggie Gyllenhaal

Aw, man. This is no fun for me, because I think Maggie is kinda awesome. She doesn't have the typical Hollywood look, and she's a great actress, too. But this...isn't so great.



This looks like something that might have worked in theory. Or maybe not. There's just so much going on. The feathers are definitely scary; add the sequins, and you have a sort of cave-woman/flapper blend that seems pretty disturbing. The satin part looks weird around her midriff. And for the love of god, why, why did she go and pair it with red booties?!?! RED!

Sheryl Crow

I know this picture is a little old, but I couldn't resist.

What is going on here, Sheryl? I love the boots, but the compliments stop here. Black pants and top would be fine. A touch monochromatic, but I can see what you're going for. But what's that glittering thing you've randomly swathed yourself in? And the fur vest? If it's real, that's animal cruelty in addition to visual cruelty. It's inhumane to subject people to this kind of melange of mourning clothes gone seriously wrong.

P.S. I don't like your jewelry. If you're going all-black, don't randomly throw some random, pale stuff in there.

P.P.S. Your makeup is flawless. (I'm trying to be positive here.)

Temporary Break

I have very sad, but very temporary news. I'm afraid that Fashion Poirot will not have any new posts for the following 2 weeks or so. My husband and child are very ill right now, not to mention that my workload- at my real job- is piling up. So, in the meantime, scroll down for my previous entries, and wish my family well!

I'll be back (as Ahnold would say),
Lola

Britney Spears

Today, while searching for a new victim, I found a picture of Cate Blanchett wearing the most hideous fuzzy, furry pumps I have ever seen. Actually, they were the first fuzzy, furry pumps I had ever seen. I was horrified, of course. I love- no, I ADORE Cate, and I just posted about her! Who could save me from the pain of calling out one of my favorite actresses not once, but twice?

Why, Britney, of course:



Perfect. That is simply perfect. An ill-fitting, bland, floral romper over a red bra, accompanied by a hot pink bag? Cate, you are forgiven- FOR NOW. (But I'm warning you. One more misstep and I'll be forced to post again.) In the meantime, we can only pray that Britney keeps fashioning clothing out of old curtains she found in the nursing home's dumpster. She is the godsend of all those badly dressed celebrities out there; no matter how bad they look, she looks worse.

Beyonce's Boots

Oh my. Those look a bit painful.

To be honest, these remind me of those brass knuckles that thugs/gangsters carry around to increase the productivity of their fists. To put it mildly. I mean, seriously. The heel curves inward and is ribbed like a conch shell. Why does Beyonce feel the need to terrorize us with these? I mean, some of her super-tight, shimmering, chain-mail style gowns have been scary enough. Just Jared informs us that Rihanna wore these earlier this summer. I'm beginning to feel unsafe. Is this how singers are going to exact revenge on us and paparazzi? Should we, the general public, hire bodyguards lest we be mauled by an angry chanteuse's boots? Are you as scared as I am?

Kate Walsh

I know, this isn't that bad. Actually, the individual items of clothing look pretty nice. But would you dress like this to your wedding reception:

I mean, the dress is fine, but it looks like a beach-y maxi-dress you might wear to lounge lazily in the sun. And the sandals peeking out? What annoys me most, though, is her hair. I understand that this is probably a carefully contrived "sexy-messy" look, but to me, it just looks messy. Maybe some small, tiny part of me is offended by the fact of her wearing bare shoulders and sandals on the last day of September- in my part of the world, just looking at her makes me shiver.