Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Dita Von Teese

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.


Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Jennifer Esposito

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

Tyra Banks

Good god.

There isn't much to say. It's a shiny white jumpsuit. She has camel toe. Tyra herself looks glowing, I love the bangles, yada yada. But it's a SHINY WHITE JUMPSUIT. How can somebody look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my! I just love the way the fabric makes me look stumpy beyond belief by eating my feet!". Was she influenced by EW's recent photo gallery of the Sexiest Aliens Ever? Because Tyra would fit right in, wearing this outfit. She definitely looks like an alien, albeit not a very sexy one.

Kelly Rowland

In theory, this is a pretty nice look. I adore the shoes, and who can dislike short, gold, sequined dresses? And yet.

It's just so short and so low-cut and so sequined and so gold. It's literally blinding me. And sure, she has the body to pull it off...but it's crossing the line between "sexy" and "slutty" for me. Just a little bit. Or maybe not. For once, I'm truly undecided, because she looks so pretty...but it's so revealing...What do you think?

SAG Awards Terror: Sandra Oh

In the past couple of days, I've read loads about how this is a traditional Korean dress and all. All right. That's cool. But that doesn't make it magically become attractive in the least!

The color combination...the odd material...but most of all, the absolutely ill-fitting pepto-bismol colored bow! The dress is simultaneously dowdy and about to expose her chest completely. Is she pregnant? Seriously? Because everyone's pregnant nowadays, and that's the only reason I can think of for choosing such an unflattering shape of dress. And Angelina totally pulled it off; she looked fabulous in that brownish sheet she wore. But Sandra? Never, ever, ever do this again. Seriously.