Jessica Simpson

I was about to criticize Jess for this, but then I realized it wasn't her fault. Obviously, the date with Tony didn't go so well. They must have been brutally mugged in the alley, and her shirt must have been shredded to bits in the violent struggle. Instead, I should laud her for putting up such a brave face! Because, I mean, nobody could actually make a shirt like this on purpose, right? And nobody could actually willingly wear it, right?

Elle Macpherson

Ok. I've read a lot already about how, "This is THE BODY! She can wear whatever she wants!". To which I promptly respond, "This is Fashion Poirot. Nobody is safe." Come on. She's wearing a completely untied black tie around her neck with a sheer white blouse that's almost totally unbuttoned to show her lacy black bra. YOU CAN'T GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THIS! This is the sort of sad sight you see every year at the office Christmas party, where someone gets COMPLETELY drunk and, well, you get the drift. The worst part is that Elle doesn't look drunk or confused. Meaning that she willingly put on- or rather, partly took off- this outfit and went to a photo op. Off to prison with you!

Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Ginnifer Goodwin

I apologize for the lack of posting recently; apparently, all of my worst offenders teamed up and resolved to ruin me by not wearing anything overly hideous this week! Things were further complicated because I actually LOVED Nicole Kidman's wacky dresses, and Natalie Portman's crazy sheer blue thing. Which resulted in a bit of a posting crisis.

This, by the way, isn't exactly hideous either.

I KNOW floral dresses are big this spring, and that pairing the pretty pattern with black accents is very edgy. But I just can't get over this pattern. Perhaps it's because my great-grandmother had 2 couches in that pattern, with matching seat covers AND curtains. (She was big on florals). Florals can be very sweet and cute, but this dark magenta/green/black combination screams "nursing-home couture" to me. I won't rule out the possibility that I'm a little biased here. It really isn't Ginnifer's fault. Her hair is fantastic- why can't I get MINE to do that? - and the shoes are plain but nice. I'm sure many of my readers will love this outfit, so I'm not exactly sending her to fashion prison. Yet.

Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dita Von Teese

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.


Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Jennifer Esposito

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

Tyra Banks

Good god.

There isn't much to say. It's a shiny white jumpsuit. She has camel toe. Tyra herself looks glowing, I love the bangles, yada yada. But it's a SHINY WHITE JUMPSUIT. How can somebody look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my! I just love the way the fabric makes me look stumpy beyond belief by eating my feet!". Was she influenced by EW's recent photo gallery of the Sexiest Aliens Ever? Because Tyra would fit right in, wearing this outfit. She definitely looks like an alien, albeit not a very sexy one.

Kelly Rowland

In theory, this is a pretty nice look. I adore the shoes, and who can dislike short, gold, sequined dresses? And yet.

It's just so short and so low-cut and so sequined and so gold. It's literally blinding me. And sure, she has the body to pull it off...but it's crossing the line between "sexy" and "slutty" for me. Just a little bit. Or maybe not. For once, I'm truly undecided, because she looks so pretty...but it's so revealing...What do you think?

Erykah Badu

I've already heard a lot about how this girl has her own, signature style. How she's lovely and unique and all of that wonderful stuff.

However:

I'm all for standing out and not fitting in, but as a member of the fashion law-enforcement community, I can't commend her to this. Seriously. The hair! It's eating her head! There's got to be enough hair there to make at least 100 nice, respectable wigs. And the glasses. I'm pretty sure Erykah (did I spell that right?) has a lovely face underneath everything, but it's rather hard to tell. The sweater's kind of cute in a demure way, but the leggings must go. Honestly. If Lindsay Lohan can't pull them off, I'm pretty sure nobody can.

(I do strangely like the shoes, but I think that's a little off-topic.)

Blake Lively

Blake Lively usually looks pretty chic and sunny, on- and off-screen. So what's going on here?

Is this for a role? Did she wander off the set and, in a bout of exhaustion, forget to change her costume? Sadly, I think not. This looks like a mix of what a Victorian-era widow might wear and the sort of shirt Britney might wear. The sleeves look as though they were ripped off by someone- or something- and the bodice is partly sheer and striped. Her hair seems to be falling out of its up-do in the back, and her shoes have rosettes on them. Blake has great style, normally. Is this a joke? Honestly?

Seth Green

As I occasionally do, I've singled out a male celebrity for today's arrest.

And it's not pretty.

This is so wrong that I feel overwhelmed. The porn-y mustache that appears to be slowly yet steadily eating his lip away...the mascara (possibly)...the mustache...It's all too much to bear. I need to go lie down for a couple of days now. Maybe someday this horrific image will leave my mind; I'm an optimist...

SPECIAL POST: Jennifer Morrison

As faithful and thorough readers of Fashion Poirot know, I have a weakness for the show House, and its cast. Thus, whenever I am obligated to critique their fashion missteps, I feel the need to address it in a "SPECIAL POST". I don't know why. It just makes me feel less harsh. And I like seeing these under-appreciated actors get special treatment (they lost at the Globes!), as they so rarely do.


Why, Jen? Why must you do this to me? I'm only too ready to sing Dr. Cameron's praises when the rest of the world calls her a sniveling little girl, and for the most part, I've loved your recent fashion transformation. For the most part.



I love the makeup. I've gotten used to the hair. But the dress! If it were figure-hugging and mini, it would be a nice shimmery dress. But it's loose and drape-y with those odd sleeves that try and fail to be flapper-esque. It washes you out and the neckline cuts off your long neck, while the below-the-knee length and granny shoes (that don't match) make it even more dowdy. This is like a bad parody of the knock-out silver dress you wore to the Emmys! Come on, Jennifer. You can do better than this.

Tyra Banks

I get that this is stylish and fashionable and brave...but it's also hideous and disturbing.

Oh, Tyra, why? The dress itself is odd enough, but the bizarre feathery accent placed over the bursting cleavage makes it ugly beyond belief. It's ill-fitting at the top and looks as if it's about to fall down- a terrifying thought, indeed. The hair and makeup are flawless, but the dress is inexcusable, Tyra. There's a fine line between fashion-forward and ridiculous, and I believe you've crossed it here.

Hilary Duff

This outfit was almost rather cute. But I think you know what I'm going to say.


The leggings. I can live with the opaque ones, as long as they're paired with a TOP, but these feeble, sheer ones are just too much to bear. The coat is a little odd but cute, and I lust after that bag and those shoes. And the dress...I can't really comment on it because it's covered up, but from the small part I can see, it's much too short. So I'm justified in proclaiming that this outfit is a small misdemeanor. Next time, Ms. Duff, I won't let you get away with this. Go back to your classy and stylish looks of late.

Heath Ledger

This is one of those pictures that I put away for a rainy day, when there are no fresh fashion disasters, because I know this kind of crime against humanity will never get old.

My god. I have nothing against guys trying out stripes or bright colors or whatnot, but this is simply frightening. If the new Batman movie hadn't already been filmed, I would have thought Heath was in costume as the Joker. There's a lot going on here, but I could live with everything- yes, even the striped fingerless gloves- if it hadn't been for the knee socks. Knee socks over jeans. Which obviously raises a lot of questions and exclamations. Mainly, "WHY, HEATH, WHY???", but also "Those are some really, really tight jeans". The latter, because of the suspicious lack of bulging under the knee socks. My skinniest jeans create bulges under actual footwear, like boots, so I shudder to think of poor Heath's circulation.

But, mainly, I shudder from the hideous outfit. Yuck.

Kate Bosworth

Besides finding it marginally amusing that Kate will soon star in a film titled "Laundry Warrior", which is apparently a pretty serious flick, I was confused by her outfit here.

I mean, why? Her shirt is perfectly lovely, yet she had to embellish it with those bizarre metallic bead things? And god, the sunglasses. Those are too cheap and tacky for a TODDLER, much less a sophisticated Hollywood trend-setter like Kate. I'm very disappointed, young lady...