Jessica Simpson

I was about to criticize Jess for this, but then I realized it wasn't her fault. Obviously, the date with Tony didn't go so well. They must have been brutally mugged in the alley, and her shirt must have been shredded to bits in the violent struggle. Instead, I should laud her for putting up such a brave face! Because, I mean, nobody could actually make a shirt like this on purpose, right? And nobody could actually willingly wear it, right?

Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Ginnifer Goodwin

I apologize for the lack of posting recently; apparently, all of my worst offenders teamed up and resolved to ruin me by not wearing anything overly hideous this week! Things were further complicated because I actually LOVED Nicole Kidman's wacky dresses, and Natalie Portman's crazy sheer blue thing. Which resulted in a bit of a posting crisis.

This, by the way, isn't exactly hideous either.

I KNOW floral dresses are big this spring, and that pairing the pretty pattern with black accents is very edgy. But I just can't get over this pattern. Perhaps it's because my great-grandmother had 2 couches in that pattern, with matching seat covers AND curtains. (She was big on florals). Florals can be very sweet and cute, but this dark magenta/green/black combination screams "nursing-home couture" to me. I won't rule out the possibility that I'm a little biased here. It really isn't Ginnifer's fault. Her hair is fantastic- why can't I get MINE to do that? - and the shoes are plain but nice. I'm sure many of my readers will love this outfit, so I'm not exactly sending her to fashion prison. Yet.

Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Dita Von Teese

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.


Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Jennifer Esposito

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

Tyra Banks

Good god.

There isn't much to say. It's a shiny white jumpsuit. She has camel toe. Tyra herself looks glowing, I love the bangles, yada yada. But it's a SHINY WHITE JUMPSUIT. How can somebody look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my! I just love the way the fabric makes me look stumpy beyond belief by eating my feet!". Was she influenced by EW's recent photo gallery of the Sexiest Aliens Ever? Because Tyra would fit right in, wearing this outfit. She definitely looks like an alien, albeit not a very sexy one.

SAG Awards Terror: Sandra Oh

In the past couple of days, I've read loads about how this is a traditional Korean dress and all. All right. That's cool. But that doesn't make it magically become attractive in the least!

The color combination...the odd material...but most of all, the absolutely ill-fitting pepto-bismol colored bow! The dress is simultaneously dowdy and about to expose her chest completely. Is she pregnant? Seriously? Because everyone's pregnant nowadays, and that's the only reason I can think of for choosing such an unflattering shape of dress. And Angelina totally pulled it off; she looked fabulous in that brownish sheet she wore. But Sandra? Never, ever, ever do this again. Seriously.

SPECIAL POST: Jennifer Morrison

As faithful and thorough readers of Fashion Poirot know, I have a weakness for the show House, and its cast. Thus, whenever I am obligated to critique their fashion missteps, I feel the need to address it in a "SPECIAL POST". I don't know why. It just makes me feel less harsh. And I like seeing these under-appreciated actors get special treatment (they lost at the Globes!), as they so rarely do.


Why, Jen? Why must you do this to me? I'm only too ready to sing Dr. Cameron's praises when the rest of the world calls her a sniveling little girl, and for the most part, I've loved your recent fashion transformation. For the most part.



I love the makeup. I've gotten used to the hair. But the dress! If it were figure-hugging and mini, it would be a nice shimmery dress. But it's loose and drape-y with those odd sleeves that try and fail to be flapper-esque. It washes you out and the neckline cuts off your long neck, while the below-the-knee length and granny shoes (that don't match) make it even more dowdy. This is like a bad parody of the knock-out silver dress you wore to the Emmys! Come on, Jennifer. You can do better than this.

Hilary Duff

This outfit was almost rather cute. But I think you know what I'm going to say.


The leggings. I can live with the opaque ones, as long as they're paired with a TOP, but these feeble, sheer ones are just too much to bear. The coat is a little odd but cute, and I lust after that bag and those shoes. And the dress...I can't really comment on it because it's covered up, but from the small part I can see, it's much too short. So I'm justified in proclaiming that this outfit is a small misdemeanor. Next time, Ms. Duff, I won't let you get away with this. Go back to your classy and stylish looks of late.

Kate Bosworth

Besides finding it marginally amusing that Kate will soon star in a film titled "Laundry Warrior", which is apparently a pretty serious flick, I was confused by her outfit here.

I mean, why? Her shirt is perfectly lovely, yet she had to embellish it with those bizarre metallic bead things? And god, the sunglasses. Those are too cheap and tacky for a TODDLER, much less a sophisticated Hollywood trend-setter like Kate. I'm very disappointed, young lady...

Jennifer Connelly

Once again, this picture is a couple of days old, but I have to voice my doubts.

Because they're doubts, not screams of agony. I really love Jen, and I think she's almost rocking this fashion-forward outfit. But not quite. The coat is rather fetching, although I'm not sure about the bracelets...and then we get to the leggings. Ouch. Sheer leggings, especially with sharp-toed shoes like these, are just too much for me. If they had been tights, I would have loved this look. But no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to like semi-opaque leggings of any form, color, or style. I apologize to all of the legging lovers of the world.

Mariah Carey

I've heard tons about how this is her "signature look" and all, but seriously?

Nobody can look possibly look good in something this short and this tight and this low-cut. Usually people have the common sense to go for one of those attributes, or maybe two for an extra-sexy outfit. But when you're about to pop right out of your dress, it's usually a sign that you've taken it just a smidgen too far. Or, in Mariah's case, a heck-of-a-lot-more-than-a-smidgen too far.

Sienna Miller

Wow. There's a lot going on here, Sienna.

Grey cap, black leggings (or tights, I hope), tan croc-skin boots, a loud black/orange/silver patterned top, a black bag, and a fur wrap. It's almost bearable in a "so-good-it's-bad" kind of way.

Almost, but not quite. It's just bad. Not even wacky Ms. Miller can get away with this mismatched palette of colors, textures, and confusion.

Scroll down for the year's worst-dressed nominees. Remember, you only have 2 days left to vote!

Kristen Bell

I think Kristen is very cute and all, but what's wrong with this picture?


I respectfully must comment that I believe Ms. Bell has plenty of financial resources. Enough to, say, buy another pair of jeans. That aren't falling apart. Because I refuse to believe the impossible, the improbable, the terrible: that ripped jeans are returning as the next big trend. No! It can never happen...I would go into seclusion. I'd join a monastery. Anything to avoid the ripped terror.

Rihanna

On the old Fashion Poirot, I once mentioned Rihanna's ballerina-gone-dominatrix concert outfit. I'd hoped that particular fashion disaster had been left in the past. Apparently not.

I just don't get it. Why? Why? God knows her songs aren't of the heavy-metal, ridiculously sexed-up kind- at least not all of them. Sexy is one thing, but this is way too much. At least she lost the tutu-like thing she had last time. I could handle the boots and arm warmers, but the corset/bra/hot pants/thing with all of the buckles and straps...is just plain disturbing.

And a pity, too, because off-stage, Rihanna dresses beautifully. So I can only assume that she has some wacko, deranged fashion consultant for concert wear only. A word of advice: FIRE HIM/HER IMMEDIATELY.