Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Kelly Rowland

In theory, this is a pretty nice look. I adore the shoes, and who can dislike short, gold, sequined dresses? And yet.

It's just so short and so low-cut and so sequined and so gold. It's literally blinding me. And sure, she has the body to pull it off...but it's crossing the line between "sexy" and "slutty" for me. Just a little bit. Or maybe not. For once, I'm truly undecided, because she looks so pretty...but it's so revealing...What do you think?

Mariah Carey

I've heard tons about how this is her "signature look" and all, but seriously?

Nobody can look possibly look good in something this short and this tight and this low-cut. Usually people have the common sense to go for one of those attributes, or maybe two for an extra-sexy outfit. But when you're about to pop right out of your dress, it's usually a sign that you've taken it just a smidgen too far. Or, in Mariah's case, a heck-of-a-lot-more-than-a-smidgen too far.

The winner/loser!

The results are in, ladies and gentlemen, and the readers of Fashion Poirot believe that Rihanna's outfit was the worst of 2007!

This outfit won with 30% of the votes. Click here for the original post, and thanks for reading and voting! Come back tomorrow for more fashion victims...

Rihanna

On the old Fashion Poirot, I once mentioned Rihanna's ballerina-gone-dominatrix concert outfit. I'd hoped that particular fashion disaster had been left in the past. Apparently not.

I just don't get it. Why? Why? God knows her songs aren't of the heavy-metal, ridiculously sexed-up kind- at least not all of them. Sexy is one thing, but this is way too much. At least she lost the tutu-like thing she had last time. I could handle the boots and arm warmers, but the corset/bra/hot pants/thing with all of the buckles and straps...is just plain disturbing.

And a pity, too, because off-stage, Rihanna dresses beautifully. So I can only assume that she has some wacko, deranged fashion consultant for concert wear only. A word of advice: FIRE HIM/HER IMMEDIATELY.

Fergie

Dearest Fergie,


We get it, already. You think you're hot. We should too. You bear absolutely zero, zero, ZERO resemblance to a man. But there are more subtle ways of sending such messages. This looks like a Victorian torture instrument-like corset gone very wrong. Especially with that chain-mail bag...it's all very Spanish Inquisition. I'm a little bit scared, actually. You're a walking Iron Maiden. And you're frightening everybody around you.

Fanny Lu

Yes, I'm back! Forgive me for that long Thanksgiving interlude; I was so full that I could not even stand up for 4 DAYS. Blame the turkeys.

Or, you know, blame Fanny Lu. She's certainly guilty of some terrible fashion crimes. Seriously:


I must be honest. The real reason I haven't posted in a while is that I couldn't find enough badly dressed celebrities! Bizarre, right? I had to venture all the way into People en Espagnol to find this terrifying pic of Fanny, who is apparently a Columbian singer. I'll take their word on that. Here, she's dressed more like a stripper at a corporate-themed bachelor party: cropped belly vest (I might have made that up, but that's the only term for this thing), formal short-shorts, an incongruous newsboy cap, and open-toed lace-up booties. Which is a sacrilege, as far as I'm concerned, because I adore lace-up booties. Just...not these. I have to admit that Fanny has great hair, and her legs and abs seem to be in fine shape. As we can clearly see. Because they're almost entirely on display. Which is kinda the problem.

American Music Awards Terror: Rihanna

Recently, Rihanna has been irking me. She often dresses quite elegantly, and she's nothing if not fashion-forwards...but I find myself wishing that she would dress her age, sometimes. She's only 19! There's no need for medieval torture devices like this:


To be completely fair, I don't see how this could work at any age. It's almost like Armani (yes, this is Armani) got lazy with the bodice. Or Rihanna forgot to pull it up. Actually, the more I stare at it, the more it looks like a vest. This was supposed to be a sexy, blinged-out boardroom ensemble! Only Rihanna spilled ketchup on her shirt and was running late, so threw caution- and her bra- to the winds, and decided to do without. The skirt's pretty bad, too, and I don't even want to see a close-up of that mini-glove on her right hand.

Worst of all, her shoes are utterly adorable.

Fergie

Ah, irony. That Fergie wore this to an event honoring the great Armani.



I wish I had a bigger photo. It's essentially styled like a towel- you know, like when you wrap it around your indecent bits and wonder if, hypothetically, it would make a cute minidress. If it were made by, say, Armani. But this takes the look a touch farther- notice the bizarre silver fringe. Which should never have seen the light of day.

Most amusing is her hair. It's as if she got the memo that voluptuous, soft waves would be in for fall, and decided to rock the look- FERGIE-STYLE! As it is, her hair looks disturbingly like the love child of an over-sized hair crimper and a lot of hairspray. And really, nobody wants to look like that.

Avril Lavigne

I was having a mildly depressing day today- boring stuff at work, grumpy spouse, blah blah blah- until I came across this picture.

OK, yes, this is the princess of gothy/punky/emo/god-knows-what fashion herself. Avril Lavigne, age 24, leader of teen-rebellion couture. (A little detour here: isn't she getting a little too old for that stuff?)

But I still get a kick out of seeing her demented, absurd version of what normal people would call formal wear:



Oh boy. Fishnets? Ok, in some situations. Like, not-awards-show situations. And that dress- ha! It truly made my day. It's plaid! It's crumpled! It's shapeless, strapless, and is threatening to slip and disrobe Ms. Lavigne at any given moment! It has ruffles and bows and god-knows-whats, and a black tulle lining with a mind of its own!

And the shoes! Gold, and bejeweled, and sparkly, and shiny! I'm about to faint from delight. Avril has cheered me up to no end.

Christina Aguilera

Being pregnant is no excuse for this.

No, really, it isn't. This lovely planet is chock-full of beautiful, flattering, graceful maternity clothes. That aren't leggings. Or shapeless, oddly patterned blouses.

This picture alone isn't so terrible, but Christina has been making fashion missteps since the very- pardon the pun- conception of her pregnancy. It's NO EXCUSE, HEAR ME?

And, by the way, I don't like her eye makeup. Too. Much. Of. It. (You can see it better in other photos).