Claire Danes

Don't get me wrong, this dress is quite lovely.

But it's amazingly unflattering on Claire. This shade is the worst shade possible; it matches both her skin and her hair, and washes her out terribly. The length makes it rather dowdy, and the overlapping bodice looks just a little odd. So I applaud your effort, Claire, but go for something that doesn't make you look like a beige ghost next time. Please!

Kate Bosworth

Besides finding it marginally amusing that Kate will soon star in a film titled "Laundry Warrior", which is apparently a pretty serious flick, I was confused by her outfit here.

I mean, why? Her shirt is perfectly lovely, yet she had to embellish it with those bizarre metallic bead things? And god, the sunglasses. Those are too cheap and tacky for a TODDLER, much less a sophisticated Hollywood trend-setter like Kate. I'm very disappointed, young lady...

Mariah Carey

I've heard tons about how this is her "signature look" and all, but seriously?

Nobody can look possibly look good in something this short and this tight and this low-cut. Usually people have the common sense to go for one of those attributes, or maybe two for an extra-sexy outfit. But when you're about to pop right out of your dress, it's usually a sign that you've taken it just a smidgen too far. Or, in Mariah's case, a heck-of-a-lot-more-than-a-smidgen too far.

Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I love you, in that you make my job so easy. And I don't even feel bad for you, like I do for Britney.

Leopard-print dresses are hard to pull off. Leopard-print leggings should be pulled off of the legs of whoever wears them, immediately. Combined, the two create a spectacularly hideous combination. Bravo, Paris.

And, by the way, when they said metallics were hot for the holiday season, they didn't mean a gold clutch, bag, and coat paired with gold shoes. (And the jungle-themed disaster I mentioned previously).

Fergie

Ah, irony. That Fergie wore this to an event honoring the great Armani.



I wish I had a bigger photo. It's essentially styled like a towel- you know, like when you wrap it around your indecent bits and wonder if, hypothetically, it would make a cute minidress. If it were made by, say, Armani. But this takes the look a touch farther- notice the bizarre silver fringe. Which should never have seen the light of day.

Most amusing is her hair. It's as if she got the memo that voluptuous, soft waves would be in for fall, and decided to rock the look- FERGIE-STYLE! As it is, her hair looks disturbingly like the love child of an over-sized hair crimper and a lot of hairspray. And really, nobody wants to look like that.