Jessica Simpson

I was about to criticize Jess for this, but then I realized it wasn't her fault. Obviously, the date with Tony didn't go so well. They must have been brutally mugged in the alley, and her shirt must have been shredded to bits in the violent struggle. Instead, I should laud her for putting up such a brave face! Because, I mean, nobody could actually make a shirt like this on purpose, right? And nobody could actually willingly wear it, right?

Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Jennifer Esposito

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

SAG Awards Terror: Sandra Oh

In the past couple of days, I've read loads about how this is a traditional Korean dress and all. All right. That's cool. But that doesn't make it magically become attractive in the least!

The color combination...the odd material...but most of all, the absolutely ill-fitting pepto-bismol colored bow! The dress is simultaneously dowdy and about to expose her chest completely. Is she pregnant? Seriously? Because everyone's pregnant nowadays, and that's the only reason I can think of for choosing such an unflattering shape of dress. And Angelina totally pulled it off; she looked fabulous in that brownish sheet she wore. But Sandra? Never, ever, ever do this again. Seriously.

Blake Lively

Blake Lively usually looks pretty chic and sunny, on- and off-screen. So what's going on here?

Is this for a role? Did she wander off the set and, in a bout of exhaustion, forget to change her costume? Sadly, I think not. This looks like a mix of what a Victorian-era widow might wear and the sort of shirt Britney might wear. The sleeves look as though they were ripped off by someone- or something- and the bodice is partly sheer and striped. Her hair seems to be falling out of its up-do in the back, and her shoes have rosettes on them. Blake has great style, normally. Is this a joke? Honestly?

Seth Green

As I occasionally do, I've singled out a male celebrity for today's arrest.

And it's not pretty.

This is so wrong that I feel overwhelmed. The porn-y mustache that appears to be slowly yet steadily eating his lip away...the mascara (possibly)...the mustache...It's all too much to bear. I need to go lie down for a couple of days now. Maybe someday this horrific image will leave my mind; I'm an optimist...

Tyra Banks

I get that this is stylish and fashionable and brave...but it's also hideous and disturbing.

Oh, Tyra, why? The dress itself is odd enough, but the bizarre feathery accent placed over the bursting cleavage makes it ugly beyond belief. It's ill-fitting at the top and looks as if it's about to fall down- a terrifying thought, indeed. The hair and makeup are flawless, but the dress is inexcusable, Tyra. There's a fine line between fashion-forward and ridiculous, and I believe you've crossed it here.

Kimberly Stewart

I've been saving this picture to share on a rainy day (read: no hideous celebrity disasters to speak of), so it's not particularly recent. Still, this sort of horror is timeless, no?


I must be honest: I'm confused. The boots are nice, but the dress...what is going on? It's like an innocent little lime-green pinafore sprouted long, frightening black hair. Lime green and green are always risky together, but this sort of...fringe, if you can call it that, is just plain scary. And I do like her bob and the general idea of her outfit; I like flapper-style fringe dresses in most cases. But some things are just meant to stay in the dark, scary recesses of your closet. Forever.

Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I love you, in that you make my job so easy. And I don't even feel bad for you, like I do for Britney.

Leopard-print dresses are hard to pull off. Leopard-print leggings should be pulled off of the legs of whoever wears them, immediately. Combined, the two create a spectacularly hideous combination. Bravo, Paris.

And, by the way, when they said metallics were hot for the holiday season, they didn't mean a gold clutch, bag, and coat paired with gold shoes. (And the jungle-themed disaster I mentioned previously).

Ashley Tisdale

Ugh. Lately, I feel like Fashion Poirot has turned into High-School-Musical-Poirot. (Zac Efron, anyone?). But I really can't pass up something like this.



This is terrible. Awful. It's a real corset- with ties in the back and everything. I truly feel that corsets should be reserved for period dramas set in the Victorian Era, or for the privacy of your own bedroom. But this one goes farther than that: it's sparkly and multi-colored. And layered over a black tank. And paired with hideous shoes that might have looked good on paper...but ended up awful on poor Ashley's feet.

On a side note, though, those are some fab jeans. But I think it might be time for another visit to the hair salon, no?

Fergie

Ah, irony. That Fergie wore this to an event honoring the great Armani.



I wish I had a bigger photo. It's essentially styled like a towel- you know, like when you wrap it around your indecent bits and wonder if, hypothetically, it would make a cute minidress. If it were made by, say, Armani. But this takes the look a touch farther- notice the bizarre silver fringe. Which should never have seen the light of day.

Most amusing is her hair. It's as if she got the memo that voluptuous, soft waves would be in for fall, and decided to rock the look- FERGIE-STYLE! As it is, her hair looks disturbingly like the love child of an over-sized hair crimper and a lot of hairspray. And really, nobody wants to look like that.

Britney Spears

I feel like a sell-out.

Really. But you have to forgive me. Today was simply rotten. There were practically no faint-worthy fashion disasters! I paused over Celine Dion's chain-mail-like dress, and only the fact that she's so cute and pregnant stopped me from commenting on Christina Aguilera's sheer shirt.

Not to worry. I can always take the Britney route on slow days.



Will she never learn? Really? It's kind of ironic to say that her bra's showing, considering that fact that her top IS lingerie anyway. And the hair? It's like my old Barbie doll, after I decided to "dye" her hair with crayons. The trouble was, the wax got caught in her hair and it turned into a messy pile of sludge. And, on a more nit-picky note, why sunglasses? It's NOVEMBER!!! It's COLD!

I realize that in California it's probably not cold at all. But what, am I not allowed to be insanely jealous while I freeze?

Avril Lavigne

I was having a mildly depressing day today- boring stuff at work, grumpy spouse, blah blah blah- until I came across this picture.

OK, yes, this is the princess of gothy/punky/emo/god-knows-what fashion herself. Avril Lavigne, age 24, leader of teen-rebellion couture. (A little detour here: isn't she getting a little too old for that stuff?)

But I still get a kick out of seeing her demented, absurd version of what normal people would call formal wear:



Oh boy. Fishnets? Ok, in some situations. Like, not-awards-show situations. And that dress- ha! It truly made my day. It's plaid! It's crumpled! It's shapeless, strapless, and is threatening to slip and disrobe Ms. Lavigne at any given moment! It has ruffles and bows and god-knows-whats, and a black tulle lining with a mind of its own!

And the shoes! Gold, and bejeweled, and sparkly, and shiny! I'm about to faint from delight. Avril has cheered me up to no end.

Sheryl Crow

I know this picture is a little old, but I couldn't resist.

What is going on here, Sheryl? I love the boots, but the compliments stop here. Black pants and top would be fine. A touch monochromatic, but I can see what you're going for. But what's that glittering thing you've randomly swathed yourself in? And the fur vest? If it's real, that's animal cruelty in addition to visual cruelty. It's inhumane to subject people to this kind of melange of mourning clothes gone seriously wrong.

P.S. I don't like your jewelry. If you're going all-black, don't randomly throw some random, pale stuff in there.

P.P.S. Your makeup is flawless. (I'm trying to be positive here.)

Britney Spears

Today, while searching for a new victim, I found a picture of Cate Blanchett wearing the most hideous fuzzy, furry pumps I have ever seen. Actually, they were the first fuzzy, furry pumps I had ever seen. I was horrified, of course. I love- no, I ADORE Cate, and I just posted about her! Who could save me from the pain of calling out one of my favorite actresses not once, but twice?

Why, Britney, of course:



Perfect. That is simply perfect. An ill-fitting, bland, floral romper over a red bra, accompanied by a hot pink bag? Cate, you are forgiven- FOR NOW. (But I'm warning you. One more misstep and I'll be forced to post again.) In the meantime, we can only pray that Britney keeps fashioning clothing out of old curtains she found in the nursing home's dumpster. She is the godsend of all those badly dressed celebrities out there; no matter how bad they look, she looks worse.

Britney Spears

I honestly feel guilty calling out Britney nowadays, what with the lost custody battle and all. But still...

...this is too bad to ignore. Both outfits, actually. I could live with the belly shirt (I can't believe I'm typing this) because, at the very least, her abs look good. Superficial, I know. But the second outfit...jeez. WE CAN SEE YOUR PRETTY RED BRIEFS, BRITNEY. That is not a dress. And the hat...oh dear, the hat. We get it: Cowboy hats and boots are her signature look. But, seriously, can't she change it up once in a while, at least?