Jessica Simpson

I was about to criticize Jess for this, but then I realized it wasn't her fault. Obviously, the date with Tony didn't go so well. They must have been brutally mugged in the alley, and her shirt must have been shredded to bits in the violent struggle. Instead, I should laud her for putting up such a brave face! Because, I mean, nobody could actually make a shirt like this on purpose, right? And nobody could actually willingly wear it, right?

Great Coupon!

Hey! I just found out about a fantastic deal at www.accessorybug.com that I just had to share with everyone: use the coupon code spring08 and get 10% off. It works until 4/30/08!

Ok, sorry for the interruption- I'll go catch some more fashion criminals now.

Elle Macpherson

Ok. I've read a lot already about how, "This is THE BODY! She can wear whatever she wants!". To which I promptly respond, "This is Fashion Poirot. Nobody is safe." Come on. She's wearing a completely untied black tie around her neck with a sheer white blouse that's almost totally unbuttoned to show her lacy black bra. YOU CAN'T GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THIS! This is the sort of sad sight you see every year at the office Christmas party, where someone gets COMPLETELY drunk and, well, you get the drift. The worst part is that Elle doesn't look drunk or confused. Meaning that she willingly put on- or rather, partly took off- this outfit and went to a photo op. Off to prison with you!

Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Courtney Love

Ms. Love has graced these pages quite often, but that doesn't make the crime any less serious.

I can see where she was going with this. Kind of. But ruffles should be smooth, even, and structured to avoid looking like last Christmas's wrapping paper. I guess Courtney must have missed that memo. The positive? Well...how about...it's shiny?

Ginnifer Goodwin

I apologize for the lack of posting recently; apparently, all of my worst offenders teamed up and resolved to ruin me by not wearing anything overly hideous this week! Things were further complicated because I actually LOVED Nicole Kidman's wacky dresses, and Natalie Portman's crazy sheer blue thing. Which resulted in a bit of a posting crisis.

This, by the way, isn't exactly hideous either.

I KNOW floral dresses are big this spring, and that pairing the pretty pattern with black accents is very edgy. But I just can't get over this pattern. Perhaps it's because my great-grandmother had 2 couches in that pattern, with matching seat covers AND curtains. (She was big on florals). Florals can be very sweet and cute, but this dark magenta/green/black combination screams "nursing-home couture" to me. I won't rule out the possibility that I'm a little biased here. It really isn't Ginnifer's fault. Her hair is fantastic- why can't I get MINE to do that? - and the shoes are plain but nice. I'm sure many of my readers will love this outfit, so I'm not exactly sending her to fashion prison. Yet.

Grammy Awards Terror: Cher

Now, of course, Cher has committed too many fashion crimes to count in her time. But that doesn't mean she can't try to outdo herself!

And she almost succeeds! The bodice and sleeves appear to be slowly rotting off of her body, while the skirt looks a lot like one of those huge sheets people buy to cover their cars. All of this, paired with a very nice, yet terribly incongruous pair of leather boots and awful, ratted hair. Bravo, Cher! You've done it again.

Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Dita Von Teese

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.


Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Jennifer Esposito

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

Tyra Banks

Good god.

There isn't much to say. It's a shiny white jumpsuit. She has camel toe. Tyra herself looks glowing, I love the bangles, yada yada. But it's a SHINY WHITE JUMPSUIT. How can somebody look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my! I just love the way the fabric makes me look stumpy beyond belief by eating my feet!". Was she influenced by EW's recent photo gallery of the Sexiest Aliens Ever? Because Tyra would fit right in, wearing this outfit. She definitely looks like an alien, albeit not a very sexy one.

Kelly Rowland

In theory, this is a pretty nice look. I adore the shoes, and who can dislike short, gold, sequined dresses? And yet.

It's just so short and so low-cut and so sequined and so gold. It's literally blinding me. And sure, she has the body to pull it off...but it's crossing the line between "sexy" and "slutty" for me. Just a little bit. Or maybe not. For once, I'm truly undecided, because she looks so pretty...but it's so revealing...What do you think?

SAG Awards Terror: Sandra Oh

In the past couple of days, I've read loads about how this is a traditional Korean dress and all. All right. That's cool. But that doesn't make it magically become attractive in the least!

The color combination...the odd material...but most of all, the absolutely ill-fitting pepto-bismol colored bow! The dress is simultaneously dowdy and about to expose her chest completely. Is she pregnant? Seriously? Because everyone's pregnant nowadays, and that's the only reason I can think of for choosing such an unflattering shape of dress. And Angelina totally pulled it off; she looked fabulous in that brownish sheet she wore. But Sandra? Never, ever, ever do this again. Seriously.

Courtney Cox

This is...wow. I'm speechless.

Has Courtney Cox really just pulled a Britney? I mean, she is wearing a sheer, lacy shirt with just a bra underneath? I think she looks amazingly young and dresses nicely, for the most part, so how could she commit such a crime? Did she honestly not notice? Maybe her electricity was out or something. At least we can then blame the mysterious figure behind her for letting her out in front of the paparazzi wearing such a hideous thing. This is a fashion crime of the worst kind, and I hope that Courtney learns her lesson and doesn't commit it again.

Lucy Liu

Dear god.

What is there to say? The Valentino dress underneath is actually quite lovely. But..it's an "accordion wrap". It looks like the inside of a mammoth's large intestines, all pink and billowy. I'm sure it swishes and bounces unattractively whenever she dares to breathe.

I feel queasy and need to go lie down now. Ugh.

Claire Danes

Don't get me wrong, this dress is quite lovely.

But it's amazingly unflattering on Claire. This shade is the worst shade possible; it matches both her skin and her hair, and washes her out terribly. The length makes it rather dowdy, and the overlapping bodice looks just a little odd. So I applaud your effort, Claire, but go for something that doesn't make you look like a beige ghost next time. Please!