Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Courtney Love

Ms. Love has graced these pages quite often, but that doesn't make the crime any less serious.

I can see where she was going with this. Kind of. But ruffles should be smooth, even, and structured to avoid looking like last Christmas's wrapping paper. I guess Courtney must have missed that memo. The positive? Well...how about...it's shiny?

Ginnifer Goodwin

I apologize for the lack of posting recently; apparently, all of my worst offenders teamed up and resolved to ruin me by not wearing anything overly hideous this week! Things were further complicated because I actually LOVED Nicole Kidman's wacky dresses, and Natalie Portman's crazy sheer blue thing. Which resulted in a bit of a posting crisis.

This, by the way, isn't exactly hideous either.

I KNOW floral dresses are big this spring, and that pairing the pretty pattern with black accents is very edgy. But I just can't get over this pattern. Perhaps it's because my great-grandmother had 2 couches in that pattern, with matching seat covers AND curtains. (She was big on florals). Florals can be very sweet and cute, but this dark magenta/green/black combination screams "nursing-home couture" to me. I won't rule out the possibility that I'm a little biased here. It really isn't Ginnifer's fault. Her hair is fantastic- why can't I get MINE to do that? - and the shoes are plain but nice. I'm sure many of my readers will love this outfit, so I'm not exactly sending her to fashion prison. Yet.

Grammy Awards Terror: Cher

Now, of course, Cher has committed too many fashion crimes to count in her time. But that doesn't mean she can't try to outdo herself!

And she almost succeeds! The bodice and sleeves appear to be slowly rotting off of her body, while the skirt looks a lot like one of those huge sheets people buy to cover their cars. All of this, paired with a very nice, yet terribly incongruous pair of leather boots and awful, ratted hair. Bravo, Cher! You've done it again.

Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Victoria Beckham

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Rihanna

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Dita Von Teese

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.


Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Kylie Minogue

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.