CMA Terror: Part 1

This is the first post detailing what I can only describe as CMA Terror.

Apparently, Sheryl Crow didn't learn from our past encounter:


At first, I thought that those lazy bastards at People.com had cheated and used an old photo. Then I saw the sign behind her that said CMA.

Ok, Sheryl, let's make this clear. You are not a gothic priestess. You aren't even Avril Lavigne. The wide-legged suit would have looked odd, but the long jacket? The numerous crosses? You're about one step away from boycotting the shower and becoming the third Olsen triplet. Don't do that.

Fergie

Ah, irony. That Fergie wore this to an event honoring the great Armani.



I wish I had a bigger photo. It's essentially styled like a towel- you know, like when you wrap it around your indecent bits and wonder if, hypothetically, it would make a cute minidress. If it were made by, say, Armani. But this takes the look a touch farther- notice the bizarre silver fringe. Which should never have seen the light of day.

Most amusing is her hair. It's as if she got the memo that voluptuous, soft waves would be in for fall, and decided to rock the look- FERGIE-STYLE! As it is, her hair looks disturbingly like the love child of an over-sized hair crimper and a lot of hairspray. And really, nobody wants to look like that.

Britney Spears

I feel like a sell-out.

Really. But you have to forgive me. Today was simply rotten. There were practically no faint-worthy fashion disasters! I paused over Celine Dion's chain-mail-like dress, and only the fact that she's so cute and pregnant stopped me from commenting on Christina Aguilera's sheer shirt.

Not to worry. I can always take the Britney route on slow days.



Will she never learn? Really? It's kind of ironic to say that her bra's showing, considering that fact that her top IS lingerie anyway. And the hair? It's like my old Barbie doll, after I decided to "dye" her hair with crayons. The trouble was, the wax got caught in her hair and it turned into a messy pile of sludge. And, on a more nit-picky note, why sunglasses? It's NOVEMBER!!! It's COLD!

I realize that in California it's probably not cold at all. But what, am I not allowed to be insanely jealous while I freeze?

Leighton Meister

I have never watched Gossip Girl, and don't really plan on doing so. Yeah, my teen loves it, and it's been hailed by critics (well, sort of), but I just don't see why I should care about snobby, bitchy New York teens.

Unless, of course, they wear stuff like this on the show:


Did her stylist drink some of that- Roberto Cavalli vodka? No, that can't be right- that's being advertised behind Leighton? This is a nightie. Lingerie. Sheer, sexy stuff, that's either been cruelly shredded by an angry Victoria's Secret employee...or has gotten into a fight with said employee's pet. A pet that sheds a lot of fur. And no, the fact that her shoes may or may not be kind of cute in a futuristic kind of way does not excuse this. I don't care if her boyfriend has a sexy-Big-Foot-costume fetish*. Save our eyes.

*I have never actually seen a sexy Big Foot costume, nor have I ever met anyone with a fetish for them. But I assume this would be very close to their ideal.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

For some reason, I end up calling out Sarah M. Gellar quite often. I think she's quite cute and all, although she's kind of withered since Buffy, but I wish her nothing but the best. Really. I do.

According to this dress, some congratulations are in order too:

There must be some secret shop in Hollywood called "Pregnancy Rumors Couturier" or "Baby Bump Buzz Boutique" or something. No other shop would carry this. I don't know if she's pregnant. She certainly didn't look pregnant a few weeks back. Even if she is pregnant, this dress sucks.

That's putting it mildly. I get the whole nude-colored thing, but dress and shoes and clutch are taking it way, way, way too far. The bodice is much too short, giving you the impression that she took a defective, poofy, ruffled skirt and hitched it up so it would cover all of her bits. And then she went to the craft shop, and, in a fit of hormone-induced artfulness (because I simply refuse to admit that anybody would even imagine wearing this if they weren't pregnant) bought their cheapest ribbon and sewed it on haphazardly.

Whether or not S.M.G. is pregnant, this thing is giving her a huge, awkward lump of a stomach. You often hear that tight satin is hard to wear because it gives everyone awful bulges. Well, Sarah is obviously protesting that common piece of wisdom: loose satin can make you look just as terrible, if not worse!

Well, thank you, in that case. I'll remember to never, ever, ever, ever consider wearing nude-colored satin again.

Avril Lavigne

I was having a mildly depressing day today- boring stuff at work, grumpy spouse, blah blah blah- until I came across this picture.

OK, yes, this is the princess of gothy/punky/emo/god-knows-what fashion herself. Avril Lavigne, age 24, leader of teen-rebellion couture. (A little detour here: isn't she getting a little too old for that stuff?)

But I still get a kick out of seeing her demented, absurd version of what normal people would call formal wear:



Oh boy. Fishnets? Ok, in some situations. Like, not-awards-show situations. And that dress- ha! It truly made my day. It's plaid! It's crumpled! It's shapeless, strapless, and is threatening to slip and disrobe Ms. Lavigne at any given moment! It has ruffles and bows and god-knows-whats, and a black tulle lining with a mind of its own!

And the shoes! Gold, and bejeweled, and sparkly, and shiny! I'm about to faint from delight. Avril has cheered me up to no end.

Paris Hilton

I know, I know, what should I expect? Paris Hilton's Halloween costume was never going to be classy. I understand that.



But what INFURIATES me is that she had the GALL to say that she is "supporting our troops" with her "patriotic" costume.

Excusez-moi?

Listen to me, Paris, darling. Sweetie. Honey. Your costume is not patriotic. It's slutty, stupid, revealing, and worst of all, offensive.

Capiche?

Christina Aguilera

Being pregnant is no excuse for this.

No, really, it isn't. This lovely planet is chock-full of beautiful, flattering, graceful maternity clothes. That aren't leggings. Or shapeless, oddly patterned blouses.

This picture alone isn't so terrible, but Christina has been making fashion missteps since the very- pardon the pun- conception of her pregnancy. It's NO EXCUSE, HEAR ME?

And, by the way, I don't like her eye makeup. Too. Much. Of. It. (You can see it better in other photos).

Sheryl Crow

I know this picture is a little old, but I couldn't resist.

What is going on here, Sheryl? I love the boots, but the compliments stop here. Black pants and top would be fine. A touch monochromatic, but I can see what you're going for. But what's that glittering thing you've randomly swathed yourself in? And the fur vest? If it's real, that's animal cruelty in addition to visual cruelty. It's inhumane to subject people to this kind of melange of mourning clothes gone seriously wrong.

P.S. I don't like your jewelry. If you're going all-black, don't randomly throw some random, pale stuff in there.

P.P.S. Your makeup is flawless. (I'm trying to be positive here.)

I'm back!

Finally, my family has recovered, my life is back in order, and I can post again!

There are a couple of changes in the realm of Fashion Poirot. First of all, I have enabled comment moderation, following a quite nasty comment that was anonymously left during my absence. I don't want my blog to take any part in that, so from now on your comments will take a little bit longer to appear.

Also, I'm beginning to plan a feature, perhaps weekly, that will showcase mens' fashion tips, from a woman's point of view. It's still in the development stage, so more on that later...

I'm touched by all of the well-wishes that people have left; thank you for caring. And check back soon for new posts!