Monique Coleman

Having never seen High School Musical 2 (again! I know.) , or for that matter, H.S.M. 1, I don't know much about Monique Coleman. Perhaps her vocals rival those of Aretha, or her acting will win her an Oscar someday soon.

She won't be winning any fashion awards on my watch, anyway.


Monique is not a stick-thin Hollywood waif, and thank god, because we have enough of those already. However, there is such a thing as flattering oneself, which she doesn't seem to have heard of. Also, there is such a thing as a dress, and there is such a thing as a shirt. Usually, "shirts" are worn with pants or a skirt under them. This garment seems to be edging into crotch-flashing, you-better-be-wearing-panties territory. Not to mention the hideous print. It's like a fashion Rorschach test: you can analyze your fashion sanity by measuring how revolted you are by it. And the shoes...tan? Really? Having already boldly- and stupidly- bypassed all logic and combined pink and black with white, she adds tan granny-colored shoes? I'm too sickened to speak...

Ashley Tisdale

Ugh. Lately, I feel like Fashion Poirot has turned into High-School-Musical-Poirot. (Zac Efron, anyone?). But I really can't pass up something like this.



This is terrible. Awful. It's a real corset- with ties in the back and everything. I truly feel that corsets should be reserved for period dramas set in the Victorian Era, or for the privacy of your own bedroom. But this one goes farther than that: it's sparkly and multi-colored. And layered over a black tank. And paired with hideous shoes that might have looked good on paper...but ended up awful on poor Ashley's feet.

On a side note, though, those are some fab jeans. But I think it might be time for another visit to the hair salon, no?

Paris Hilton

FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, THAT IS NOT A DRESS.


No amount of squats and other butt-enhancing exercises can save this outfit. It is doomed to the sad halls of memorably bad fashion. Along with Paris herself, of course.

Zac Efron, AGAIN!

Ok, Zac. I was ready to give you a second chance. But we don't tolerate repeat offenders here at Fashion Poirot.

You're going to JAIL!!!

(Or at least, F.P.'s equivalent. We will never speak of you again.)

Fanny Lu

Yes, I'm back! Forgive me for that long Thanksgiving interlude; I was so full that I could not even stand up for 4 DAYS. Blame the turkeys.

Or, you know, blame Fanny Lu. She's certainly guilty of some terrible fashion crimes. Seriously:


I must be honest. The real reason I haven't posted in a while is that I couldn't find enough badly dressed celebrities! Bizarre, right? I had to venture all the way into People en Espagnol to find this terrifying pic of Fanny, who is apparently a Columbian singer. I'll take their word on that. Here, she's dressed more like a stripper at a corporate-themed bachelor party: cropped belly vest (I might have made that up, but that's the only term for this thing), formal short-shorts, an incongruous newsboy cap, and open-toed lace-up booties. Which is a sacrilege, as far as I'm concerned, because I adore lace-up booties. Just...not these. I have to admit that Fanny has great hair, and her legs and abs seem to be in fine shape. As we can clearly see. Because they're almost entirely on display. Which is kinda the problem.

Thandie Newton

Ok, Thandie. Moment of truth here. You're very cute. It takes a certain amount of cuteness to get me to sit through movies like The Truth About Charlie (and, admittedly, a certain amount of Mark Wahlberg as well). And you're British, which makes you even cuter.

But WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?


And don't try to fool us. Something of a rather sordid nature DID occur. Either you have a very bizarre gangrene-like rosette-laden infection sprouting from your scalp- in which case you need to get yourself to an ER right now- or you got hit in the noggin with something rather heavy, causing temporary blindness and inability to see what you were putting on your head. In any case, you need to see a doctor immediately.

(By the way, I rather like your outfit; the red and black are sort of saucy, but the coat is demure. I wish you'd gone for a red lip instead, but I don't think makeup should be high on your list of worries right now, so I wasn't going to mention it.)

Debra Messing

Ah, irony. Poor Debra's last name makes her so terribly susceptible to puns and cracks about "Messing is messy!" and the like.

But really, when somebody leaves the house looking like this, they're just asking for it:


Once again, this is so bad, I don't even need to say much. The dress. Even JustJared described it as "one size fits all". The flip-flops I can grudgingly excuse- they are easy to slip off at the airport. But the turban?! It's almost as if she was purposely screwing with airport security, hoping that sometime today we would see a headline proclaiming "Debra mistaken for homeless bum at LAX" or something like that. Don't try it again, Debra. Please. Save our poor eyes.

American Music Awards Terror: Rihanna

Recently, Rihanna has been irking me. She often dresses quite elegantly, and she's nothing if not fashion-forwards...but I find myself wishing that she would dress her age, sometimes. She's only 19! There's no need for medieval torture devices like this:


To be completely fair, I don't see how this could work at any age. It's almost like Armani (yes, this is Armani) got lazy with the bodice. Or Rihanna forgot to pull it up. Actually, the more I stare at it, the more it looks like a vest. This was supposed to be a sexy, blinged-out boardroom ensemble! Only Rihanna spilled ketchup on her shirt and was running late, so threw caution- and her bra- to the winds, and decided to do without. The skirt's pretty bad, too, and I don't even want to see a close-up of that mini-glove on her right hand.

Worst of all, her shoes are utterly adorable.

Jude Law

Just when I started wondering when material for a mens' fashion post would appear, Jude Law came along.


I am ashamed to admit that this is a man who I once considered sexy. No, really. And now...well, do I even need to say much? Black skinny pants and sloppy shoes on the red carpet. With a wilted tee that shows way too much chest for a once-respectable actor. And...am I blind, or is his jacket fashionably adorned with specks of something indeterminable? Or is it just unwashed? I don't even want to mention his hair, or his bizarre hair and bulging eyes and weird facial expressions. But, seriously:


Take note, guys. DO NOT TURN INTO JUDE LAW. Ever. For the sake of this entire planet.

Nasty Comments

I'm really sorry that I have to mention this, but recently there have been several nasty, personal, offensive comments popping up. Anonymously, of course. Although I moderate all comments, these messages are truly hurtful and unkind. (Before I turned on moderation, one suggested that my family's illnesses were a godsend, because I'd finally shut up.). I understand that not everybody's going to agree with a merciless humor blog, but I would like to suggest that if you truly cannot stand my blog and myself...you are not being forced to read it! I love hearing honest opinions- if you disagree with my critique, please comment about it! I'm addressing this post only to the posters of hateful comments who don't even mention fashion or clothes. For my awesome, nice readers- that would be most of you!- I'm sorry for this interruption. The truth is, if the bad comments continue, I might have to disable comments completely. And I don't want to do that! (This happened to one of my favorite blogs, Go Fug Yourself...for at least a year now, comments have been disabled completely.)

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-Lola