Fashion Poirot

Jessica Simpson

2008-03-04T09:32:00.004-06:00

I was about to criticize Jess for this, but then I realized it wasn't her fault. Obviously, the date with Tony didn't go so well. They must have been brutally mugged in the alley, and her shirt must have been shredded to bits in the violent struggle. Instead, I should laud her for putting up such a brave face! Because, I mean, nobody could actually make a shirt like this on purpose, right? And nobody could actually willingly wear it, right?

Women's Tees And Tanks Women's Sandals - High Heel from National Jean

Great Coupon!

2008-03-03T13:56:00.003-06:00

Hey! I just found out about a fantastic deal at www.accessorybug.com that I just had to share with everyone: use the coupon code spring08 and get 10% off. It works until 4/30/08!

Ok, sorry for the interruption- I'll go catch some more fashion criminals now.

Elle Macpherson

2008-02-28T17:26:00.005-06:00

Ok. I've read a lot already about how, "This is THE BODY! She can wear whatever she wants!". To which I promptly respond, "This is Fashion Poirot. Nobody is safe." Come on. She's wearing a completely untied black tie around her neck with a sheer white blouse that's almost totally unbuttoned to show her lacy black bra. YOU CAN'T GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THIS! This is the sort of sad sight you see every year at the office Christmas party, where someone gets COMPLETELY drunk and, well, you get the drift. The worst part is that Elle doesn't look drunk or confused. Meaning that she willingly put on- or rather, partly took off- this outfit and went to a photo op. Off to prison with you!

Accessories Cheer/dance from FootLocker

Academy Awards Terror: Rebecca Miller

2008-02-25T17:03:00.007-06:00

It's taken me a while to work up the nerve to subject my readers' eyes to this terror...but I feel that this sort of crime cannot go unnoticed.

Good god, Rebecca. I like Daniel Day-Lewis- he's just so unusual- and while his shoes are pretty silly-looking, he looks groomed and washed, so I'm letting him off the hook. But...Rebecca. The straps of your gown are large red bows. You have a random, huge flower-shaped adornment hanging from your bosom. And you paired it with black and white striped pumps. I know that some major designer- I don't the remember who- paired their entire collection this season with these exact shoes. But that doesn't make it okay to wear them to the Oscars. Your outfit makes a man wearing brown hiking boots with his tux look stylish. And that's just not right.

Women Jeans Skinny Leg from Stylebop GmbH

Courtney Love

2008-02-23T17:42:00.006-06:00

Ms. Love has graced these pages quite often, but that doesn't make the crime any less serious.

I can see where she was going with this. Kind of. But ruffles should be smooth, even, and structured to avoid looking like last Christmas's wrapping paper. I guess Courtney must have missed that memo. The positive? Well...how about...it's shiny?

Ginnifer Goodwin

2008-02-23T10:54:00.007-06:00

I apologize for the lack of posting recently; apparently, all of my worst offenders teamed up and resolved to ruin me by not wearing anything overly hideous this week! Things were further complicated because I actually LOVED Nicole Kidman's wacky dresses, and Natalie Portman's crazy sheer blue thing. Which resulted in a bit of a posting crisis.

This, by the way, isn't exactly hideous either.

I KNOW floral dresses are big this spring, and that pairing the pretty pattern with black accents is very edgy. But I just can't get over this pattern. Perhaps it's because my great-grandmother had 2 couches in that pattern, with matching seat covers AND curtains. (She was big on florals). Florals can be very sweet and cute, but this dark magenta/green/black combination screams "nursing-home couture" to me. I won't rule out the possibility that I'm a little biased here. It really isn't Ginnifer's fault. Her hair is fantastic- why can't I get MINE to do that? - and the shoes are plain but nice. I'm sure many of my readers will love this outfit, so I'm not exactly sending her to fashion prison. Yet.

Jewelry Bargains from SmartBargains

Grammy Awards Terror: Cher

2008-02-17T18:45:00.008-06:00

Now, of course, Cher has committed too many fashion crimes to count in her time. But that doesn't mean she can't try to outdo herself!

And she almost succeeds! The bodice and sleeves appear to be slowly rotting off of her body, while the skirt looks a lot like one of those huge sheets people buy to cover their cars. All of this, paired with a very nice, yet terribly incongruous pair of leather boots and awful, ratted hair. Bravo, Cher! You've done it again.

Women's Dresses Women's Sandals - High Heel from National Jean

Grammy Awards Terror: Beyonce

2008-02-11T16:48:00.013-06:00

I've never been too crazy about Beyonce's style, to be completely honest. She dresses well, for the most part, but it's always very monotonously tight, low-cut, and short. She never really takes many risks, and although she always looks good, she isn't a true "style icon" by my definition of the word.

Wait, let's back up to the "never really takes many risks" and "always looks good" part.

Whoa! Never mind, then, Beyonce! Keep doing what you were doing before! I never, ever implied that you should wear a costume from Dreamgirls On Ice to the Grammy's. I'm not sure that that show even exists, but I'm sure that it will, sooner or later, and this will definitely be a costume staple. The bodice starts out typical Beyonce- shiny, sparkly, tight, and low. But then the horrid, shiny, blue plastic tulle begins, and all hell breaks loose. I mean...those silvery gashes, and that horrible hem...Please, Beyonce, just go back to the old style. For the sake of the fashion world in general.

Active from Playboy Store

Repeat Offender: Rihanna

2008-02-10T11:49:00.009-06:00

Repeat offender!

This is basically the opposite of that awful jumpsuit I derided recently. Rather than being slutty and short, it's long and high-necked with long sleeves. And that pattern! It makes her look quite wide, to be honest, and we all know that Rihanna is a seriously skinny girl. This dress hugs everywhere it needs to hang loosely, and hangs loosely everywhere it needs to hug. Speaking of hugs, I need a hug after all of this disillusionment with Rihanna lately. Rihanna, on the other hand, is getting a serious time-out for this atrocity.

Accessories Cross Training from Eastbay

Victoria Beckham

2008-02-09T14:37:00.002-06:00

Didn't Victoria wear a very similar design to a Spice Girls event last year?

And didn't everybody unanimously cry out, "VISIBLE BRAS ARE NOT STYLISH, EVEN IF THEY'RE MARC JACOBS!!!" ? So why did she choose to wear the same thing, only sequined and black? I understand the premise that one must take risks in order to be truly fashion-forward...but does that mean that walking around with our bras in plain view is the wave of the future? Already, Fashion Week has been dominated by sheer fabrics. Is this really what awaits us? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Womens from Playboy Store

Rihanna

2008-02-08T11:03:00.002-06:00

Rihanna truly has multiple personalities when it comes to style. One day, she can wear a classy yet painfully stylish gown, and the next day...

It's a jumpsuit. A black, lacy, turtle-neck jumpsuit, and it's shorter than your average hot pants. And hot pants are very short to begin with. Of course she has the legs, etc., but this is too revealing. I would complain about it being a jumpsuit- and I do complain (it's a fricking JUMPSUIT!)- but then, what if it were a mini-dress? At least, this way she won't have any Britney moments, even if she will be dealing with some major camel toe the entire night.

I might be in the minority, but I love Rihanna's super-short hair, and her berry lips. Her shoes are fab, of course. But I can never forgive this belted, feathered- look at the sleeves!- monstrosity.

Hats, Wigs & Masks Wigs-child from Costume Center

Dita Von Teese

2008-02-07T17:01:00.001-06:00

Normally, I'm quite obsessed with Dita's style. I adore the retro look she's so committed to, and she always pulls it off with panache.

Well, almost always.

Sure, Dita has the legs to pull off something this short. But does that mean she should? No. And the combination of it being strapless and low-cut too gives it the look of glorified underwear. Not to mention that the dress itself is pretty awful. Pink bows are all very nice, but here they just seem to be limply scattered around that odd, crinkled bubble skirt. Dita's makeup and hair are flawless, as usual, and who am I to criticize a simple pair of black Louboutins? But the dress is a serious mistake in my book. Better luck next time, Dita!

Accessories & Makeup Beard & Moustache from Costume Center

Kylie Minogue

2008-02-06T14:26:00.001-06:00

Please, please, please tell me this is some sort of photo-shoot.

Unfortunately, People said it was the unveiling of her new home furnishings line. But I refuse to believe that Kylie would actually go out in public dressed like this. Actually, in an ideal world, nobody would ever go out in public dressed in what seems to be a a very short, white, strapless romper composed entirely of feathers, cinched by a huge black belt. Kylie has a great figure and all, but this is simply ridiculous. It looks like lingerie marketed towards ostrich fetishists. It's terrifying, and I hope to god that Kylie was forced to wear this, whether by demonic forces, stylists, or demonic stylists. Sadly, she probably chose this herself, and so I must spend the entire day weeping and running away from computer screens, to avoid seeing this horror.

Clothing Baseball from FootLocker

Jennifer Esposito

2008-02-02T10:57:00.001-06:00

What was Jennifer thinking here?

Ombre things are hot right now, sure. And I love them- usually. But illusion netting? Seriously? Nobody, except for figure skaters (ON ICE) can ever pull that off. And the fabric seems to be sagging around her hips, giving her a bizarrely bottom-heavy appearance, in contrast to her tiny waist. The color combination is pretty horrid too. If she had been brave and simply gone for a very plunging neckline, I would have called it slutty and all, but I actually think it would have looked better. And what's with that hair? It looks totally fried. Maybe the part of her brain responsible for wise fashion decisions got fried as well...

School Lolita Dresses from Milanoo

Tyra Banks

2008-02-02T10:56:00.002-06:00

Good god.

There isn't much to say. It's a shiny white jumpsuit. She has camel toe. Tyra herself looks glowing, I love the bangles, yada yada. But it's a SHINY WHITE JUMPSUIT. How can somebody look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my! I just love the way the fabric makes me look stumpy beyond belief by eating my feet!". Was she influenced by EW's recent photo gallery of the Sexiest Aliens Ever? Because Tyra would fit right in, wearing this outfit. She definitely looks like an alien, albeit not a very sexy one.

Flower Girl Dresses from Milanoo

Kelly Rowland

2008-01-31T15:15:00.001-06:00

In theory, this is a pretty nice look. I adore the shoes, and who can dislike short, gold, sequined dresses? And yet.

It's just so short and so low-cut and so sequined and so gold. It's literally blinding me. And sure, she has the body to pull it off...but it's crossing the line between "sexy" and "slutty" for me. Just a little bit. Or maybe not. For once, I'm truly undecided, because she looks so pretty...but it's so revealing...What do you think?

Clothing Running from FootLocker

SAG Awards Terror: Sandra Oh

2008-01-30T17:11:00.002-06:00

In the past couple of days, I've read loads about how this is a traditional Korean dress and all. All right. That's cool. But that doesn't make it magically become attractive in the least!

The color combination...the odd material...but most of all, the absolutely ill-fitting pepto-bismol colored bow! The dress is simultaneously dowdy and about to expose her chest completely. Is she pregnant? Seriously? Because everyone's pregnant nowadays, and that's the only reason I can think of for choosing such an unflattering shape of dress. And Angelina totally pulled it off; she looked fabulous in that brownish sheet she wore. But Sandra? Never, ever, ever do this again. Seriously.

Women Jewelry Bracelets from Stylebop GmbH

Courtney Cox

2008-01-28T17:01:00.002-06:00

This is...wow. I'm speechless.

Has Courtney Cox really just pulled a Britney? I mean, she is wearing a sheer, lacy shirt with just a bra underneath? I think she looks amazingly young and dresses nicely, for the most part, so how could she commit such a crime? Did she honestly not notice? Maybe her electricity was out or something. At least we can then blame the mysterious figure behind her for letting her out in front of the paparazzi wearing such a hideous thing. This is a fashion crime of the worst kind, and I hope that Courtney learns her lesson and doesn't commit it again.

Hats, Wigs & Masks Hats Clearance from Costume Center

Lucy Liu

2008-01-24T16:49:00.000-06:00

Dear god.

What is there to say? The Valentino dress underneath is actually quite lovely. But..it's an "accordion wrap". It looks like the inside of a mammoth's large intestines, all pink and billowy. I'm sure it swishes and bounces unattractively whenever she dares to breathe.

I feel queasy and need to go lie down now. Ugh.

Claire Danes

2008-01-21T10:49:00.001-06:00

Don't get me wrong, this dress is quite lovely.

But it's amazingly unflattering on Claire. This shade is the worst shade possible; it matches both her skin and her hair, and washes her out terribly. The length makes it rather dowdy, and the overlapping bodice looks just a little odd. So I applaud your effort, Claire, but go for something that doesn't make you look like a beige ghost next time. Please!

Pin from Carolee Jewelry

Zac Efron

2008-01-21T10:46:00.000-06:00

I know I've sworn never to speak of this again.

But I'm weak.

Dear god! He's a veritable Britney. PLEASE STOP FLASHING US, ZAC! Thank you.

Erykah Badu

2008-01-19T10:17:00.001-06:00

I've already heard a lot about how this girl has her own, signature style. How she's lovely and unique and all of that wonderful stuff.

However:

I'm all for standing out and not fitting in, but as a member of the fashion law-enforcement community, I can't commend her to this. Seriously. The hair! It's eating her head! There's got to be enough hair there to make at least 100 nice, respectable wigs. And the glasses. I'm pretty sure Erykah (did I spell that right?) has a lovely face underneath everything, but it's rather hard to tell. The sweater's kind of cute in a demure way, but the leggings must go. Honestly. If Lindsay Lohan can't pull them off, I'm pretty sure nobody can.

(I do strangely like the shoes, but I think that's a little off-topic.)

Mens Costumes Mascot Costumes from Costume Center

Blake Lively

2008-01-17T11:59:00.002-06:00

Blake Lively usually looks pretty chic and sunny, on- and off-screen. So what's going on here?

Is this for a role? Did she wander off the set and, in a bout of exhaustion, forget to change her costume? Sadly, I think not. This looks like a mix of what a Victorian-era widow might wear and the sort of shirt Britney might wear. The sleeves look as though they were ripped off by someone- or something- and the bodice is partly sheer and striped. Her hair seems to be falling out of its up-do in the back, and her shoes have rosettes on them. Blake has great style, normally. Is this a joke? Honestly?

Apparel & Accessories Jewelry Other Jewelry from SkyMall

Seth Green

2008-01-16T18:03:00.001-06:00

As I occasionally do, I've singled out a male celebrity for today's arrest.

And it's not pretty.

This is so wrong that I feel overwhelmed. The porn-y mustache that appears to be slowly yet steadily eating his lip away...the mascara (possibly)...the mustache...It's all too much to bear. I need to go lie down for a couple of days now. Maybe someday this horrific image will leave my mind; I'm an optimist...

Bubbles Wedding Favors from American Bridal

SPECIAL POST: Jennifer Morrison

2008-01-13T18:29:00.001-06:00

As faithful and thorough readers of Fashion Poirot know, I have a weakness for the show House, and its cast. Thus, whenever I am obligated to critique their fashion missteps, I feel the need to address it in a "SPECIAL POST". I don't know why. It just makes me feel less harsh. And I like seeing these under-appreciated actors get special treatment (they lost at the Globes!), as they so rarely do.

Why, Jen? Why must you do this to me? I'm only too ready to sing Dr. Cameron's praises when the rest of the world calls her a sniveling little girl, and for the most part, I've loved your recent fashion transformation. For the most part.

I love the makeup. I've gotten used to the hair. But the dress! If it were figure-hugging and mini, it would be a nice shimmery dress. But it's loose and drape-y with those odd sleeves that try and fail to be flapper-esque. It washes you out and the neckline cuts off your long neck, while the below-the-knee length and granny shoes (that don't match) make it even more dowdy. This is like a bad parody of the knock-out silver dress you wore to the Emmys! Come on, Jennifer. You can do better than this.

Watches Activa from MrWatch

Tyra Banks

2008-01-13T10:30:00.001-06:00

I get that this is stylish and fashionable and brave...but it's also hideous and disturbing.

Oh, Tyra, why? The dress itself is odd enough, but the bizarre feathery accent placed over the bursting cleavage makes it ugly beyond belief. It's ill-fitting at the top and looks as if it's about to fall down- a terrifying thought, indeed. The hair and makeup are flawless, but the dress is inexcusable, Tyra. There's a fine line between fashion-forward and ridiculous, and I believe you've crossed it here.

Apparel & Accessories Storage & Organizers from SkyMall

Hilary Duff

2008-01-12T10:33:00.002-06:00

This outfit was almost rather cute. But I think you know what I'm going to say.

The leggings. I can live with the opaque ones, as long as they're paired with a TOP, but these feeble, sheer ones are just too much to bear. The coat is a little odd but cute, and I lust after that bag and those shoes. And the dress...I can't really comment on it because it's covered up, but from the small part I can see, it's much too short. So I'm justified in proclaiming that this outfit is a small misdemeanor. Next time, Ms. Duff, I won't let you get away with this. Go back to your classy and stylish looks of late.

Knits from Tactics

Keira Knightley

2008-01-11T17:13:00.001-06:00

Once again, the cover photo demons strike again. Keira's EW cover is beautiful and sexy. But this?

Somebody has done some terrible photo-shopping here, because she looks like a man. That's really the gentlest way to put it. And she's normally very lovely, dainty and feminine, so I think that the team at W magazine takes all the blame. I guess they told her to look as comatose as possible, as that sleepy stare is far from the sultry one in the aforementioned EW cover photo. And the outfit...my god. I like denim, sure, and there's nothing wrong with a denim jacket, but what's with the sleeves? Her thin arms look deformed with those monsters sprouting atop them. And denim bras are NEVER, ever, ever a good idea, especially paired with a jacket and nothing else.

Emilio Pucci from Marissa Collections

Megan Fox

2008-01-10T10:31:00.001-06:00

I'm not particularly counting the days towards the "Sarah Connor..." premiere, but I might watch it. After all, Megan fox is cute, right?

But the outfit...oh, boy. First, the boots. These are very tough boots to pull off; I feel like the color is making them pretty near-impossible to wear. But the dress is bad enough by itself; it's ill-fitting and SHEER. Sheer mini-dresses are always a bad move, especially when you feel a sudden urge to throw on random bangles (why is it shoved up near her elbow?) and cheap-looking beads. Resist these urges, for the good of mankind. However, her makeup and hair is fresh and nice, if a little shiny, but those premieres must be physically grueling, what with all of the posing and walking, so I'll let that slide.

Clothing Dress Shirts from FORZIERI

Hayden Panettiere

2008-01-08T16:55:00.002-06:00

Now, Hayden is about as cute as you can get, if a little generic, and she has a great, mature sense of style, for the most part.

However, this outfit isn't QUITE right. I think the problem lies somewhere in the white stripe (an underlying tank top?) at the neckline, and the pockets. The former, because it ruins an elegant, simple dress by adding one layer too many, and the latter...because they ironically create a faintly unflattering shape, right next to the headline "Look Instantly Slimmer!". Well, I hope that wearing tight pencil skirts with large front pockets is not one of the phenomenal tips.

Kids - Tops Women's Boots from National Jean

Heath Ledger

2008-01-07T19:00:00.002-06:00

This is one of those pictures that I put away for a rainy day, when there are no fresh fashion disasters, because I know this kind of crime against humanity will never get old.

My god. I have nothing against guys trying out stripes or bright colors or whatnot, but this is simply frightening. If the new Batman movie hadn't already been filmed, I would have thought Heath was in costume as the Joker. There's a lot going on here, but I could live with everything- yes, even the striped fingerless gloves- if it hadn't been for the knee socks. Knee socks over jeans. Which obviously raises a lot of questions and exclamations. Mainly, "WHY, HEATH, WHY???", but also "Those are some really, really tight jeans". The latter, because of the suspicious lack of bulging under the knee socks. My skinniest jeans create bulges under actual footwear, like boots, so I shudder to think of poor Heath's circulation.

But, mainly, I shudder from the hideous outfit. Yuck.

Baby Doll Sets from Baby Phat

Kate Bosworth

2008-01-07T18:46:00.001-06:00

Besides finding it marginally amusing that Kate will soon star in a film titled "Laundry Warrior", which is apparently a pretty serious flick, I was confused by her outfit here.

I mean, why? Her shirt is perfectly lovely, yet she had to embellish it with those bizarre metallic bead things? And god, the sunglasses. Those are too cheap and tacky for a TODDLER, much less a sophisticated Hollywood trend-setter like Kate. I'm very disappointed, young lady...

Shoes Walking from Champs Sports

Jennifer Connelly

2008-01-04T12:26:00.002-06:00

Once again, this picture is a couple of days old, but I have to voice my doubts.

Because they're doubts, not screams of agony. I really love Jen, and I think she's almost rocking this fashion-forward outfit. But not quite. The coat is rather fetching, although I'm not sure about the bracelets...and then we get to the leggings. Ouch. Sheer leggings, especially with sharp-toed shoes like these, are just too much for me. If they had been tights, I would have loved this look. But no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to like semi-opaque leggings of any form, color, or style. I apologize to all of the legging lovers of the world.

Watches Casio from MrWatch

Mariah Carey

2008-01-03T10:31:00.002-06:00

I've heard tons about how this is her "signature look" and all, but seriously?

Nobody can look possibly look good in something this short and this tight and this low-cut. Usually people have the common sense to go for one of those attributes, or maybe two for an extra-sexy outfit. But when you're about to pop right out of your dress, it's usually a sign that you've taken it just a smidgen too far. Or, in Mariah's case, a heck-of-a-lot-more-than-a-smidgen too far.

Women's Tops - Casual Women's New Arrivals from National Jean

The winner/loser!

2008-01-01T19:42:00.000-06:00

The results are in, ladies and gentlemen, and the readers of Fashion Poirot believe that Rihanna's outfit was the worst of 2007!

This outfit won with 30% of the votes. Click here for the original post, and thanks for reading and voting! Come back tomorrow for more fashion victims...

Pamela Anderson

2008-01-01T13:48:00.001-06:00

Aw, Pam. You never really were one for the whole understated, subtle look.

No, please don't hitch your dress up any higher. It's okay. We get what you're trying to say; yes, you still have legs and breasts. Usually the idea of a cut-out neckline is for a sort of peep-hole effect. But here, the effect is more of Pam cutting out a huge chunk of her dress and draping the excess material around her neck. And gluing on a big tag proclaiming "CHANEL" onto her dress. Because I know all designers come up with some wacky stuff, but they usually refrain from attaching their names to their clothing by way of huge, ill-fitting signs.

In any case, I would hesitate before decisively linking my name to such a fashion monstrosity...but that's just me.

Come back later tonight for the officially worst celebrity outfit of 2007, as chosen by you, the readers.

Backpacks Backpack from eBags

Sienna Miller

2007-12-30T11:23:00.002-06:00

Wow. There's a lot going on here, Sienna.

Grey cap, black leggings (or tights, I hope), tan croc-skin boots, a loud black/orange/silver patterned top, a black bag, and a fur wrap. It's almost bearable in a "so-good-it's-bad" kind of way.

Almost, but not quite. It's just bad. Not even wacky Ms. Miller can get away with this mismatched palette of colors, textures, and confusion.

Scroll down for the year's worst-dressed nominees. Remember, you only have 2 days left to vote!

Footwear Women's Pumps - High Heel from National Jean

Linsday and Ali Lohan

2007-12-26T19:34:00.002-06:00

Sigh. So young, and already so misguided in matters of fashion.

It's Linsday and her 14-year-old sister, wearing matching shiny leggings. Do I need to say more?

...And at least Lindsay put on something resembling a skirt, unlike Ali.

Scroll down for the worst-dressed nominees!

Shoes from House of Brides

Kimberly Stewart

2007-12-25T17:08:00.002-06:00

I've been saving this picture to share on a rainy day (read: no hideous celebrity disasters to speak of), so it's not particularly recent. Still, this sort of horror is timeless, no?

I must be honest: I'm confused. The boots are nice, but the dress...what is going on? It's like an innocent little lime-green pinafore sprouted long, frightening black hair. Lime green and green are always risky together, but this sort of...fringe, if you can call it that, is just plain scary. And I do like her bob and the general idea of her outfit; I like flapper-style fringe dresses in most cases. But some things are just meant to stay in the dark, scary recesses of your closet. Forever.

Shoes Running from Foot Action

The Nominees!

2007-12-25T16:16:00.001-06:00

Since there weren't enough reader nominees for the worst look of 2007, I took it upon myself to choose them alone. These are put in no particular order. All of these ladies showed either too much or too little skin, the wrong colors or the wrong cuts. In any case, each of them made a serious fashion faux pas. Scroll through the nominees and then vote for your least favorite in the poll in the sidebar at the right! I'll announce the winners on Jan. 1, 2008.

1. Kate Walsh

2. Sheryl Crow

3. Courtney Love

4. Zac Efron

5. Leighton Meister

6. Thandie Newton's Headpiece

7. Rihanna

8. Rumer Willis

9. Jennifer Morrison
10. Fergie

Kristen Bell

2007-12-22T10:29:00.001-06:00

I think Kristen is very cute and all, but what's wrong with this picture?

I respectfully must comment that I believe Ms. Bell has plenty of financial resources. Enough to, say, buy another pair of jeans. That aren't falling apart. Because I refuse to believe the impossible, the improbable, the terrible: that ripped jeans are returning as the next big trend. No! It can never happen...I would go into seclusion. I'd join a monastery. Anything to avoid the ripped terror.

Sexy Costumes Dancers from Costume Center

Ashlee Simpson and Fashion Poirot News!

2007-12-21T12:46:00.001-06:00

Let's start with the exciting news: I want you, my readers, to scroll through the Fashion Poirot archives and nominate what you thought was the worst outfit I ever posted in the comments section of this post. Then, we'll have a special post and a poll to decide the worst outfit of the year, (or, since September, since that's when F.P. started) and the official winner- or, rather, loser- will be announced on Dec. 31!

Now, to business: Ashlee Simpson.

I'll be honest: I don't really get all of the fuss about her. Her style isn't particularly unique, her voice isn't spectacular, and she's sort of generically good-looking. Perhaps I'm a little confused as to why anyone would choose to have cosmetic surgery at such a young age.

Anyway, this outfit is bearable. It isn't horrible. It doesn't burn my eyes. But it does raise a couple of questions. I really have no problem with the jeans, tank, and boots, though I wish she'd gone for a little for color. But arm warmers? No. They're very hard to pull off, and Ashlee just doesn't fit the bill. I think the little scarf could look amazing- with a similarly high-fashion outfit. As it is, she just looks as though she put it on as an afterthought. But it totally contradicts the punk-like, monochromatic, rebellious tank/jeans/boots combo.

Ah well. Happy holidays, everyone! And don't forget those nominees!

Women's New Items Women's Boots from National Jean

Paris Hilton

2007-12-18T16:52:00.000-06:00

Hey, Paris! Just 3 things I wanted to tell you...

Shoulder pads belong in the 80's and NOWHERE else, you need to cut your hair, and Dorothy wants her slippers back.

Katie Holmes

2007-12-17T17:08:00.000-06:00

I have to say it: I love Mrs. Cruise's new bangs. I might be in the minority. But they are just plain cool.

However, wearing a sheer shirt that gives us an up-close-and-personal look at your bra, like this:

Not so cool.

Rihanna

2007-12-16T13:53:00.001-06:00

On the old Fashion Poirot, I once mentioned Rihanna's ballerina-gone-dominatrix concert outfit. I'd hoped that particular fashion disaster had been left in the past. Apparently not.

I just don't get it. Why? Why? God knows her songs aren't of the heavy-metal, ridiculously sexed-up kind- at least not all of them. Sexy is one thing, but this is way too much. At least she lost the tutu-like thing she had last time. I could handle the boots and arm warmers, but the corset/bra/hot pants/thing with all of the buckles and straps...is just plain disturbing.

And a pity, too, because off-stage, Rihanna dresses beautifully. So I can only assume that she has some wacko, deranged fashion consultant for concert wear only. A word of advice: FIRE HIM/HER IMMEDIATELY.

Women Fitted T-shirts from Hatley

Paris Hilton

2007-12-14T17:16:00.002-06:00

Ah, Paris. I love you, in that you make my job so easy. And I don't even feel bad for you, like I do for Britney.

Leopard-print dresses are hard to pull off. Leopard-print leggings should be pulled off of the legs of whoever wears them, immediately. Combined, the two create a spectacularly hideous combination. Bravo, Paris.

And, by the way, when they said metallics were hot for the holiday season, they didn't mean a gold clutch, bag, and coat paired with gold shoes. (And the jungle-themed disaster I mentioned previously).

Accessories & Makeup Clown from Costume Center

Rumer Willis

2007-12-13T17:09:00.002-06:00

Let me get this straight: I hated Rumer's recent short haircuts. I gasped, along with the rest of the sane world, as she bleached it and dyed it and probably sold its soul to the devil, for all I know.

But this isn't much of an improvement. At all.

I've always been fascinated by the magic of extensions, but the whole point is for them not to look like extensions, even if everyone knows that you had inch-long fuzz the day before. These look like the sort of ratty wig remnants that Britney Spears might wear. And come on, Rumer. Can't your parents help you pick out something better? Please?

D.gray Man Cosplay from Milanoo

Lindsey Lohan

2007-12-12T17:42:00.001-06:00

I truly feel sorry for Lindsey, more than any other screwed-up celebrity: after all, she's just a girl! My daughter idolized her after the Parent Trap! And now...in rehab, out rehab, drunk driving, cocaine, etc...it's depressing. At least I think- hope- that's she's starting to pull her life back together a little bit.

That's why I no longer feel too guilty to comment on her outfits. Like this:

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever like shiny leggings. Especially these, which look disturbingly like tights from some angles. Speaking of disturbing, is it just me or is Lindsey a little bit orange? Scratch that, she's very orange and it's freaking me out. There should be a law prohibiting people from buying more than 1 bottle of self-tanner at a time; perhaps there would be less Oompa-Loopa look-a-likes in this world.

As a side note, I love her shoes and bag, and have no problem with the shirt. But the hair...don't we have enough troubled Hollywood blonds already?

Mens from Playboy Store

Hilary Swank

2007-12-10T17:53:00.002-06:00

For once, I'm sort of on the fence.

I get the idea of this dress. I really do. But all those black ruffles seem so...grim. And almost dowdy. And I don't like the bejeweled belt, or the multi-colored earrings, or the fact that Hilary chose to lean on a random metal post for support, especially while Mr. Butler's arm was already around her. But I do love her hair, and something about this dress is profoundly interesting. I don't know. What do you think?

Youth Ski Apparel Grls Ski Accessories from Sun & Ski Sports

Gwen Stefani

2007-12-09T09:59:00.001-06:00

Dearest Gwen,

I love your makeup. Your makeup is great. It's terrific. It's...

I can't bear it anymore. I'll explode. YOUR HAIR IS STUPID! I had hair like that at the age of 3. I haven't forgiven my parents yet. Your eyeliner may be perfect, and your lips might be that elusive ideal shade of red, but none of that matters. You look like you have little broccoli sprouting all over your head.

A word of warning: this is not the best look for anyone. If Gwen Stefani can't pull it off, nobody can.

Softshell from Tactics

Happy 50th Post, with Rachel Bilson

2007-12-08T10:10:00.002-06:00

First off: I'm very happy to report that this is Fashion Poirot's 50th post. I'm extremely proud that Fashion Poirot turned out to be the little blog that could- despite of all the obstacles. So thank you, readers- for reading!

And who better to help us celebrate this joyous day than Rachel Bilson?

I must admit, the comparison isn't exactly working out for her. I probably would never have noticed her outfit, if she hadn't been standing next to the just-as-petite and just-as-sparkly, yet immaculate, Kristen Bell. Kristen balances all of her proportions perfectly and makes her legs look miles long. Also, it's refreshing to see a sparkling holiday dress that's actually dress-length, as opposed to tunic- or shirt-length.

I like Rachel's top (and hair, and makeup, and slim figure, and guest spot on Chuck)...but her pants are too long. They're not stylishly long, they're just way too long. When Katie Holmes wears too-long pants, she looks like she needs a tailor. However, when women of shorter stature, such as Rachel, wear too-long pants, they look like they accidentally forgot half of each leg at the bus stop one day. If that makes any sense at all.

Bags & Co from FORZIERI

Rumer Willis

2007-12-06T18:30:00.001-06:00

Ugh.

I had been foolishly optimistic enough to believe that the formal shorts epidemic had died down, at least for the season. I was very wrong. These ill-fitting incarnations of my least-favorite trend should never have seen the light of day.

Like some, er, other things. Like...oh, I don't know...her bra, maybe? I can tell that the Golden Globes will be an exciting night for the fashion world, judging by this outfit.

Ankle from Infinity Shoes

SPECIAL POST: Jennifer Morrison

2007-12-04T19:42:00.001-06:00

Oh, Jen! No! Don't do this to me! I love you on House. I love your character, and I'm sort of beginning to warm to the blond hair and the retro old-Hollywood feel you've been channeling at all of the awards shows this fall. But this...

I think that in your heart, you know that this is a bad look for you. The dress could be so cute...and then it has to finish with a furry bodice? It's probably just velvety, but it looks furry. Judging from your facial expressions in all of the photos, you're pretty doubtful. And with good reason. You can wear a fur wrap over a dress, sure...but as part of a dress?

And right after this fiasco, too:

Be warned, Jennifer. (Yes, more stern now). Fashion Poirot still loves you. But if you keep dressing like this, that might just change...

Watches Dkny from MrWatch

Fergie

2007-12-03T17:13:00.002-06:00

Dearest Fergie,

We get it, already. You think you're hot. We should too. You bear absolutely zero, zero, ZERO resemblance to a man. But there are more subtle ways of sending such messages. This looks like a Victorian torture instrument-like corset gone very wrong. Especially with that chain-mail bag...it's all very Spanish Inquisition. I'm a little bit scared, actually. You're a walking Iron Maiden. And you're frightening everybody around you.

Accessories from GolfEtail

Unknown!

2007-12-02T13:13:00.001-06:00

I don't know who this lady standing next to Ms. Hudgens is, but I do know that I hate her dress.

Even if you are in Miami, that's no reason to wear what amounts to a full-length swimsuit.

Julianne Moore

2007-12-01T13:45:00.002-06:00

I love Julianne Moore. She's a great actress, and an absolutely stunning lady, especially when she sticks to her red-headed roots.

As far as I can recall, she always had a pretty hot figure, too. Not that you'd know from this dress.

I understand that not every dress has to be skin-tight, super-mini, and low-cut to be attractive...but this is verging on dowdy. And I hate the color combination. It's very 80's-beach-towel like. (Not that I still have any beach towels from the 80's. That would be...insane...)

Perhaps it's all on purpose. Let's start a rumor: (I want to be the first to say it): JULIANNE MOORE IS PREGNANT!!!

Hehehe. My evil work has been done.

Sports Fishing Bag from eBags

Monique Coleman

2007-11-30T18:19:00.002-06:00

Having never seen High School Musical 2 (again! I know.) , or for that matter, H.S.M. 1, I don't know much about Monique Coleman. Perhaps her vocals rival those of Aretha, or her acting will win her an Oscar someday soon.

She won't be winning any fashion awards on my watch, anyway.

Monique is not a stick-thin Hollywood waif, and thank god, because we have enough of those already. However, there is such a thing as flattering oneself, which she doesn't seem to have heard of. Also, there is such a thing as a dress, and there is such a thing as a shirt. Usually, "shirts" are worn with pants or a skirt under them. This garment seems to be edging into crotch-flashing, you-better-be-wearing-panties territory. Not to mention the hideous print. It's like a fashion Rorschach test: you can analyze your fashion sanity by measuring how revolted you are by it. And the shoes...tan? Really? Having already boldly- and stupidly- bypassed all logic and combined pink and black with white, she adds tan granny-colored shoes? I'm too sickened to speak...

Basic Jeans from Baby Phat

Ashley Tisdale

2007-11-28T17:06:00.001-06:00

Ugh. Lately, I feel like Fashion Poirot has turned into High-School-Musical-Poirot. (Zac Efron, anyone?). But I really can't pass up something like this.

This is terrible. Awful. It's a real corset- with ties in the back and everything. I truly feel that corsets should be reserved for period dramas set in the Victorian Era, or for the privacy of your own bedroom. But this one goes farther than that: it's sparkly and multi-colored. And layered over a black tank. And paired with hideous shoes that might have looked good on paper...but ended up awful on poor Ashley's feet.

On a side note, though, those are some fab jeans. But I think it might be time for another visit to the hair salon, no?

Costumes Group And Couple Costumes from SpiritHalloween

Paris Hilton

2007-11-27T16:56:00.000-06:00

FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, THAT IS NOT A DRESS.

No amount of squats and other butt-enhancing exercises can save this outfit. It is doomed to the sad halls of memorably bad fashion. Along with Paris herself, of course.

Zac Efron, AGAIN!

2007-11-26T17:04:00.000-06:00

Ok, Zac. I was ready to give you a second chance. But we don't tolerate repeat offenders here at Fashion Poirot.

You're going to JAIL!!!

(Or at least, F.P.'s equivalent. We will never speak of you again.)

Fanny Lu

2007-11-25T18:22:00.001-06:00

Yes, I'm back! Forgive me for that long Thanksgiving interlude; I was so full that I could not even stand up for 4 DAYS. Blame the turkeys.

Or, you know, blame Fanny Lu. She's certainly guilty of some terrible fashion crimes. Seriously:

I must be honest. The real reason I haven't posted in a while is that I couldn't find enough badly dressed celebrities! Bizarre, right? I had to venture all the way into People en Espagnol to find this terrifying pic of Fanny, who is apparently a Columbian singer. I'll take their word on that. Here, she's dressed more like a stripper at a corporate-themed bachelor party: cropped belly vest (I might have made that up, but that's the only term for this thing), formal short-shorts, an incongruous newsboy cap, and open-toed lace-up booties. Which is a sacrilege, as far as I'm concerned, because I adore lace-up booties. Just...not these. I have to admit that Fanny has great hair, and her legs and abs seem to be in fine shape. As we can clearly see. Because they're almost entirely on display. Which is kinda the problem.

Sandals from Infinity Shoes

Thandie Newton

2007-11-21T15:07:00.001-06:00

Ok, Thandie. Moment of truth here. You're very cute. It takes a certain amount of cuteness to get me to sit through movies like The Truth About Charlie (and, admittedly, a certain amount of Mark Wahlberg as well). And you're British, which makes you even cuter.

But WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?

And don't try to fool us. Something of a rather sordid nature DID occur. Either you have a very bizarre gangrene-like rosette-laden infection sprouting from your scalp- in which case you need to get yourself to an ER right now- or you got hit in the noggin with something rather heavy, causing temporary blindness and inability to see what you were putting on your head. In any case, you need to see a doctor immediately.

(By the way, I rather like your outfit; the red and black are sort of saucy, but the coat is demure. I wish you'd gone for a red lip instead, but I don't think makeup should be high on your list of worries right now, so I wasn't going to mention it.)

Costumes Tween Costumes from SpiritHalloween

Debra Messing

2007-11-20T10:55:00.001-06:00

Ah, irony. Poor Debra's last name makes her so terribly susceptible to puns and cracks about "Messing is messy!" and the like.

But really, when somebody leaves the house looking like this, they're just asking for it:

Once again, this is so bad, I don't even need to say much. The dress. Even JustJared described it as "one size fits all". The flip-flops I can grudgingly excuse- they are easy to slip off at the airport. But the turban?! It's almost as if she was purposely screwing with airport security, hoping that sometime today we would see a headline proclaiming "Debra mistaken for homeless bum at LAX" or something like that. Don't try it again, Debra. Please. Save our poor eyes.

Ring Ruby-rings from Angara

American Music Awards Terror: Rihanna

2007-11-19T12:19:00.001-06:00

Recently, Rihanna has been irking me. She often dresses quite elegantly, and she's nothing if not fashion-forwards...but I find myself wishing that she would dress her age, sometimes. She's only 19! There's no need for medieval torture devices like this:

To be completely fair, I don't see how this could work at any age. It's almost like Armani (yes, this is Armani) got lazy with the bodice. Or Rihanna forgot to pull it up. Actually, the more I stare at it, the more it looks like a vest. This was supposed to be a sexy, blinged-out boardroom ensemble! Only Rihanna spilled ketchup on her shirt and was running late, so threw caution- and her bra- to the winds, and decided to do without. The skirt's pretty bad, too, and I don't even want to see a close-up of that mini-glove on her right hand.

Worst of all, her shoes are utterly adorable.

Shoes Running from FootLocker

Jude Law

2007-11-18T15:42:00.001-06:00

Just when I started wondering when material for a mens' fashion post would appear, Jude Law came along.

I am ashamed to admit that this is a man who I once considered sexy. No, really. And now...well, do I even need to say much? Black skinny pants and sloppy shoes on the red carpet. With a wilted tee that shows way too much chest for a once-respectable actor. And...am I blind, or is his jacket fashionably adorned with specks of something indeterminable? Or is it just unwashed? I don't even want to mention his hair, or his bizarre hair and bulging eyes and weird facial expressions. But, seriously:

Take note, guys. DO NOT TURN INTO JUDE LAW. Ever. For the sake of this entire planet.

Women Coats Short Coat from Stylebop GmbH

Nasty Comments

2007-11-18T09:51:00.002-06:00

I'm really sorry that I have to mention this, but recently there have been several nasty, personal, offensive comments popping up. Anonymously, of course. Although I moderate all comments, these messages are truly hurtful and unkind. (Before I turned on moderation, one suggested that my family's illnesses were a godsend, because I'd finally shut up.). I understand that not everybody's going to agree with a merciless humor blog, but I would like to suggest that if you truly cannot stand my blog and myself...you are not being forced to read it! I love hearing honest opinions- if you disagree with my critique, please comment about it! I'm addressing this post only to the posters of hateful comments who don't even mention fashion or clothes. For my awesome, nice readers- that would be most of you!- I'm sorry for this interruption. The truth is, if the bad comments continue, I might have to disable comments completely. And I don't want to do that! (This happened to one of my favorite blogs, Go Fug Yourself...for at least a year now, comments have been disabled completely.)

(Scroll down for the latest real post)

-Lola

Women Apparel from Vans

SPECIAL POST: Lisa Edelstein

2007-11-17T16:47:00.001-06:00

Sigh. This hurts me deeply. I LOVE Lisa; I love House, I love her character, I think she looks great...but...

YOU'RE NOT 5 YEARS OLD, LISA. Don't look so darn happy. You're wearing a cutesy party frock that, I admit, would look darling on a toddler (albeit in a smaller size, I hope), but you have killer curves! I know; I watch House! Can't you inject just a little bit of Dr. Cuddy's high heeled, tight skirted, high cleavage-d sexiness into this outfit? We sorely miss your waist. And why, why did you pair it with demure black flats? You sadden me, Lisa. Try harder next time, ok? Please.

Casual Shoes from Infinity Shoes

Kate Bosworth

2007-11-17T16:22:00.002-06:00

Today, when I was scouting for new fashion victims- or criminals, as I prefer to think of them- I came across this photo of Kate, along with the interesting tidbit that she has heterochromia- in other words, one blue eye and one hazel eye.

That got me thinking, "Maybe she has some other dangerous, undiagnosed eye condition. Like... can't-see-her-clothes-itis, a.k.a. fashion blindness?"

Because I refuse to believe that a sane person with normal vision would willingly go out in public in this. As it so often happens, the concept was intriguing, but the result was disgusting. The little sleeve on her right shoulder looks more like a malignant growth (this post is ending up very medicine-oriented), and the folds across the stomach totally skew her petite, almost-too-thin figure.

I think the material of this dress truly bothers me; it bears an uncanny resemblance to cheap vinyl, the kind that you usually see rotting in sleazy restaurant booths. And although I like her hair, makeup, and clutch, her shoes seem just a tad heavy and aggressive. Or maybe it's just the nasty, cold weather here in Ohio that makes me bitter each time I see some dainty starlet wearing open-toed shoes.

Shoes Basketball from Champs Sports

Jennifer Connelly

2007-11-16T17:37:00.002-06:00

Oh, Jennifer, why must you do this to me? I love you, I really do. You're so talented and pretty...and yet:

Admittedly, this is not the worst thing ever seen on Fashion Poirot. What concerns me is that recently you've been leaning towards very fashion-forward ensembles that don't quite translate so well from the runway to the red carpet. Or, you know. Black carpet, in this case. I think the sash-like thing is the worst part; it looks woven. As in, woven baskets. And the ruffles are just too disorganized; rather than flowing serenely, they just sort of stick out limply.

Sigh. This dress almost worked. Almost.

Thong Sandals from Rocawear

Rachel Bilson

2007-11-15T10:04:00.001-06:00

Hey, Rachel, what's the matter? You're very cute and all, but that does not mean that you can wear something like this without raising some serious questions.

Serious questions, like "Is that a really badly designed dress, or did she just randomly wrap herself in two complimentary pillowcases and belt them together, and hastily add some dollar-store bangles as jewelry?"

Sadly, I think the "badly designed dress" option is more likely, unless that girl has a lot of faith in the staying power (or rather, staying-decent-power) of loose, drape-y, unconnected things. At least her shoes are nice.

Bridesmaid Dresses from House of Brides

Maggie Gyllenhaal

2007-11-13T16:46:00.002-06:00

Aw, man. This is no fun for me, because I think Maggie is kinda awesome. She doesn't have the typical Hollywood look, and she's a great actress, too. But this...isn't so great.

This looks like something that might have worked in theory. Or maybe not. There's just so much going on. The feathers are definitely scary; add the sequins, and you have a sort of cave-woman/flapper blend that seems pretty disturbing. The satin part looks weird around her midriff. And for the love of god, why, why did she go and pair it with red booties?!?! RED!

Apparel & Accessories Jewelry Jewelry Cleaners & Storage from SkyMall

Maggie Q

2007-11-12T17:03:00.001-06:00

I love animals. I love animal societies, and people who are part of them. Really, I do.

But being kind to other species does not permit being this cruel to the eyes and computer screens of your own species, Maggie.

Yes, I know, you're part of the whole new sell-kindness-with-sex thing. I get it. But WE CAN SEE YOUR BRA. ALL OF IT. Plus, I don't like the rosettes on your shoes. I'm fine with sexy clothes...but wardrobe malfunctions? Or, at least, what appear to be wardrobe malfunctions? No.

Most amusing, I think, is that this party is called the Lint Roller Party. Lint roller? Really?

Boy's 8 - 16 Kids from Ed Hardy

Zac Efron

2007-11-11T13:17:00.001-06:00

I have heard from several people that I should comment on mens' fashion. The results of my poll seemed to agree, so here we go.

A while back, on the old Fashion Poirot at ebloggy, I commented on Zac Efron's choice of flip-flops with a black suit.

Here, again, he illustrates a big no-no of fashion for BOTH genders:

Don't look so smug, Zac. We can see your Calvin Kleins. He seems to be a repeat offender in this area; but buying shirts that are too short and pants that ride too low doesn't make you a heartthrob, Zac. Even if the majority of America's preteens disagree vehemently.

Shoes Other from Champs Sports

CMA Terror: Part 1

2007-11-08T17:29:00.000-06:00

This is the first post detailing what I can only describe as CMA Terror.

Apparently, Sheryl Crow didn't learn from our past encounter:

At first, I thought that those lazy bastards at People.com had cheated and used an old photo. Then I saw the sign behind her that said CMA.

Ok, Sheryl, let's make this clear. You are not a gothic priestess. You aren't even Avril Lavigne. The wide-legged suit would have looked odd, but the long jacket? The numerous crosses? You're about one step away from boycotting the shower and becoming the third Olsen triplet. Don't do that.

Fergie

2007-11-07T16:52:00.001-06:00

Ah, irony. That Fergie wore this to an event honoring the great Armani.

I wish I had a bigger photo. It's essentially styled like a towel- you know, like when you wrap it around your indecent bits and wonder if, hypothetically, it would make a cute minidress. If it were made by, say, Armani. But this takes the look a touch farther- notice the bizarre silver fringe. Which should never have seen the light of day.

Most amusing is her hair. It's as if she got the memo that voluptuous, soft waves would be in for fall, and decided to rock the look- FERGIE-STYLE! As it is, her hair looks disturbingly like the love child of an over-sized hair crimper and a lot of hairspray. And really, nobody wants to look like that.

Tank from Bare Necessities

Britney Spears

2007-11-05T17:09:00.001-06:00

I feel like a sell-out.

Really. But you have to forgive me. Today was simply rotten. There were practically no faint-worthy fashion disasters! I paused over Celine Dion's chain-mail-like dress, and only the fact that she's so cute and pregnant stopped me from commenting on Christina Aguilera's sheer shirt.

Not to worry. I can always take the Britney route on slow days.

Will she never learn? Really? It's kind of ironic to say that her bra's showing, considering that fact that her top IS lingerie anyway. And the hair? It's like my old Barbie doll, after I decided to "dye" her hair with crayons. The trouble was, the wax got caught in her hair and it turned into a messy pile of sludge. And, on a more nit-picky note, why sunglasses? It's NOVEMBER!!! It's COLD!

I realize that in California it's probably not cold at all. But what, am I not allowed to be insanely jealous while I freeze?

Clothing Street Fashion from Eastbay

Leighton Meister

2007-11-04T11:19:00.001-06:00

I have never watched Gossip Girl, and don't really plan on doing so. Yeah, my teen loves it, and it's been hailed by critics (well, sort of), but I just don't see why I should care about snobby, bitchy New York teens.

Unless, of course, they wear stuff like this on the show:

Did her stylist drink some of that- Roberto Cavalli vodka? No, that can't be right- that's being advertised behind Leighton? This is a nightie. Lingerie. Sheer, sexy stuff, that's either been cruelly shredded by an angry Victoria's Secret employee...or has gotten into a fight with said employee's pet. A pet that sheds a lot of fur. And no, the fact that her shoes may or may not be kind of cute in a futuristic kind of way does not excuse this. I don't care if her boyfriend has a sexy-Big-Foot-costume fetish*. Save our eyes.

*I have never actually seen a sexy Big Foot costume, nor have I ever met anyone with a fetish for them. But I assume this would be very close to their ideal.

Shoes Lacrosse from Champs Sports

Sarah Michelle Gellar

2007-11-03T15:32:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I end up calling out Sarah M. Gellar quite often. I think she's quite cute and all, although she's kind of withered since Buffy, but I wish her nothing but the best. Really. I do.

According to this dress, some congratulations are in order too:

There must be some secret shop in Hollywood called "Pregnancy Rumors Couturier" or "Baby Bump Buzz Boutique" or something. No other shop would carry this. I don't know if she's pregnant. She certainly didn't look pregnant a few weeks back. Even if she is pregnant, this dress sucks.

That's putting it mildly. I get the whole nude-colored thing, but dress and shoes and clutch are taking it way, way, way too far. The bodice is much too short, giving you the impression that she took a defective, poofy, ruffled skirt and hitched it up so it would cover all of her bits. And then she went to the craft shop, and, in a fit of hormone-induced artfulness (because I simply refuse to admit that anybody would even imagine wearing this if they weren't pregnant) bought their cheapest ribbon and sewed it on haphazardly.

Whether or not S.M.G. is pregnant, this thing is giving her a huge, awkward lump of a stomach. You often hear that tight satin is hard to wear because it gives everyone awful bulges. Well, Sarah is obviously protesting that common piece of wisdom: loose satin can make you look just as terrible, if not worse!

Well, thank you, in that case. I'll remember to never, ever, ever, ever consider wearing nude-colored satin again.

Women Accessoires Scarves from Stylebop GmbH

Avril Lavigne

2007-11-02T18:41:00.001-05:00

I was having a mildly depressing day today- boring stuff at work, grumpy spouse, blah blah blah- until I came across this picture.

OK, yes, this is the princess of gothy/punky/emo/god-knows-what fashion herself. Avril Lavigne, age 24, leader of teen-rebellion couture. (A little detour here: isn't she getting a little too old for that stuff?)

But I still get a kick out of seeing her demented, absurd version of what normal people would call formal wear:

Oh boy. Fishnets? Ok, in some situations. Like, not-awards-show situations. And that dress- ha! It truly made my day. It's plaid! It's crumpled! It's shapeless, strapless, and is threatening to slip and disrobe Ms. Lavigne at any given moment! It has ruffles and bows and god-knows-whats, and a black tulle lining with a mind of its own!

And the shoes! Gold, and bejeweled, and sparkly, and shiny! I'm about to faint from delight. Avril has cheered me up to no end.

Drawstring from Baby Phat

Paris Hilton

2007-11-01T16:22:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, what should I expect? Paris Hilton's Halloween costume was never going to be classy. I understand that.

But what INFURIATES me is that she had the GALL to say that she is "supporting our troops" with her "patriotic" costume.

Excusez-moi?

Listen to me, Paris, darling. Sweetie. Honey. Your costume is not patriotic. It's slutty, stupid, revealing, and worst of all, offensive.

Capiche?

Christina Aguilera

2007-10-31T16:52:00.000-05:00

Being pregnant is no excuse for this.

No, really, it isn't. This lovely planet is chock-full of beautiful, flattering, graceful maternity clothes. That aren't leggings. Or shapeless, oddly patterned blouses.

This picture alone isn't so terrible, but Christina has been making fashion missteps since the very- pardon the pun- conception of her pregnancy. It's NO EXCUSE, HEAR ME?

And, by the way, I don't like her eye makeup. Too. Much. Of. It. (You can see it better in other photos).

Sheryl Crow

2007-10-28T13:22:00.002-05:00

I know this picture is a little old, but I couldn't resist.

What is going on here, Sheryl? I love the boots, but the compliments stop here. Black pants and top would be fine. A touch monochromatic, but I can see what you're going for. But what's that glittering thing you've randomly swathed yourself in? And the fur vest? If it's real, that's animal cruelty in addition to visual cruelty. It's inhumane to subject people to this kind of melange of mourning clothes gone seriously wrong.

P.S. I don't like your jewelry. If you're going all-black, don't randomly throw some random, pale stuff in there.

P.P.S. Your makeup is flawless. (I'm trying to be positive here.)

Ladies Wallets Designer Ladies Wallets from eBags

I'm back!

2007-10-28T13:18:00.001-05:00

Finally, my family has recovered, my life is back in order, and I can post again!

There are a couple of changes in the realm of Fashion Poirot. First of all, I have enabled comment moderation, following a quite nasty comment that was anonymously left during my absence. I don't want my blog to take any part in that, so from now on your comments will take a little bit longer to appear.

Also, I'm beginning to plan a feature, perhaps weekly, that will showcase mens' fashion tips, from a woman's point of view. It's still in the development stage, so more on that later...

I'm touched by all of the well-wishes that people have left; thank you for caring. And check back soon for new posts!

Footwear Mens Trail Running from Sun & Ski Sports

Temporary Break

2007-10-09T17:02:00.000-05:00

I have very sad, but very temporary news. I'm afraid that Fashion Poirot will not have any new posts for the following 2 weeks or so. My husband and child are very ill right now, not to mention that my workload- at my real job- is piling up. So, in the meantime, scroll down for my previous entries, and wish my family well!

I'll be back (as Ahnold would say),
Lola

Posh's Not-so-posh Shoes

2007-10-08T17:32:00.001-05:00

I have a sort of love-hate relationship with Victoria Beckham. On one hand, she's kind of cool in an I-don't-give-a-flying-expletive-what-you-think-about-me kind of way, but on the other hand...some of her fashion choices are very dubious, but are considered the epitome of chic just because she's Posh. Well, take a look at these "Victoria" shoes she wore for a fashion shoot:

I'm terribly sorry, but in my book, those are stripper shoes. Or hooker shoes, whichever you happen to prefer. The shiny silver parts, ridiculously high heel and curved platform, plus the garish color and ankle strap do not spell "classy" to me. Am I alone in thinking this? Really? Is this elegance personified?

Women Shoes from Stylebop GmbH

By the way...

2007-10-07T10:50:00.000-05:00

...I have officially moved my other blog, Sweet Dreams, to Blogger as well. It is now renamed "Sweet Fashion Dreams", so check it out! It's all about my fashion loves that occasionally are just, well, sweet dreams. But if you like Fashion Poirot, head over there to see the yin to my yang. Or the yang to my yin. Whichever you prefer.

Rachel Bilson

2007-10-07T09:12:00.001-05:00

Oh, no! Rachel! You can be so cute sometimes, and yet...

Stop smiling. Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself. This is fashion week. You can't just knot one of the hotel towels around your neck and call it a dress. Dresses have shape. And even if they are fluid and loose, they drape gracefully. They don't stiffly sag down the front because the odd neck-brace-like contraption at the top is making weird creases. I also take issue with the black stripe on said neck brace. From afar, it looks like a very, very, very obvious bra slip. I hope it doesn't become a fad; Britney-chic is not my favorite look.

Anyway, Rachel, try wearing real clothes next time. You didn't fool anybody. And I am NOT going to mention how cute you look in that color, and how great your shoes and toenails look, and how your makeup is perfect...oh, rats. I just did.

Bridal Jewelry Set from House of Brides

Courtney Love

2007-10-06T10:21:00.001-05:00

I know this photo is a couple of days old, but for this kind of crime against humanity, better late than never:

If this wasn't Courtney Love, it would take me a couple of minutes to figure out. "Is she actually wearing a leopard print coat, skirt and boots? With opaque black tights? And was an actual leopard in the vicinity so offended by her ensemble that it gnashed of the entire hemline of her coat?" I would have asked.

As it is, I'm more amused, especially by the fact that the woman behind her (the one wearing striped black and white tights with booties and what seem to be...capris?) looks as if even she disapproves of Courtney's look. If you can call it that.

Wide Leg Pants from Peace Love World

Nelly Furtado

2007-10-05T16:31:00.001-05:00

Oh, dear. I guess she's a little on the spacey side, eh?

"Oh crap!" she seems to be saying, "I totally forgot about my shirt! I'll just pretend that my bra is a fashion statement."

Perhaps the extremely heavy, painful-looking thing around her neck cut off the circulation to her brain while she was getting dressed. Maybe we're lucky she didn't faint and cancel her performance.

On the other hand, maybe we're not so lucky after all.

Clothing Street Fashion from Champs Sports

Britney Spears

2007-10-04T10:40:00.002-05:00

Today, while searching for a new victim, I found a picture of Cate Blanchett wearing the most hideous fuzzy, furry pumps I have ever seen. Actually, they were the first fuzzy, furry pumps I had ever seen. I was horrified, of course. I love- no, I ADORE Cate, and I just posted about her! Who could save me from the pain of calling out one of my favorite actresses not once, but twice?

Why, Britney, of course:

Perfect. That is simply perfect. An ill-fitting, bland, floral romper over a red bra, accompanied by a hot pink bag? Cate, you are forgiven- FOR NOW. (But I'm warning you. One more misstep and I'll be forced to post again.) In the meantime, we can only pray that Britney keeps fashioning clothing out of old curtains she found in the nursing home's dumpster. She is the godsend of all those badly dressed celebrities out there; no matter how bad they look, she looks worse.

Costumes Girl's Costumes from SpiritHalloween

Lauren Conrad

2007-10-03T16:13:00.001-05:00

For once, I can honestly say that this isn't her fault at all, because it's a photo shoot. But I just had to share this monstrosity:

Is she seriously wearing a floppy, loose, terry-cloth self-belted romper over a bikini top? Are my eyes deceiving me? No, they are not. This wretched thing looks even worse in the other pictures; in one photo where Lauren's sitting down, she looks extremely bloated. Or pregnant. Maybe she's trying to start rumors in order to promote her show. (That's kind of clever, actually). But, seriously, you couldn't force me to wear this if my life depended on it. Really.

Jewelry & Co Men's Rings from FORZIERI

Cate Blanchett

2007-10-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

This hurts me. It really does.

I love Cate. I truly adore her. I think that she's a wonderful actress and one of the most elegant ladies in Hollywood. However...she can't quite pull this off.

I understand the mystical sari-esque look she was going for. But the patch of dark sequins sort of ruins it, and those clear plastic shoes make me shudder. Cate: your figure is much too lovely to be swathed in billowing heaps of fabric like this! This is a look that I would reserve for pregnant ladies only. Do you agree?

Britney Spears

2007-10-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

I honestly feel guilty calling out Britney nowadays, what with the lost custody battle and all. But still...

...this is too bad to ignore. Both outfits, actually. I could live with the belly shirt (I can't believe I'm typing this) because, at the very least, her abs look good. Superficial, I know. But the second outfit...jeez. WE CAN SEE YOUR PRETTY RED BRIEFS, BRITNEY. That is not a dress. And the hat...oh dear, the hat. We get it: Cowboy hats and boots are her signature look. But, seriously, can't she change it up once in a while, at least?

Beyonce's Boots

2007-09-30T18:00:00.002-05:00

Oh my. Those look a bit painful.

To be honest, these remind me of those brass knuckles that thugs/gangsters carry around to increase the productivity of their fists. To put it mildly. I mean, seriously. The heel curves inward and is ribbed like a conch shell. Why does Beyonce feel the need to terrorize us with these? I mean, some of her super-tight, shimmering, chain-mail style gowns have been scary enough. Just Jared informs us that Rihanna wore these earlier this summer. I'm beginning to feel unsafe. Is this how singers are going to exact revenge on us and paparazzi? Should we, the general public, hire bodyguards lest we be mauled by an angry chanteuse's boots? Are you as scared as I am?

Headpieces from House of Brides

Oh, Winona

2007-09-30T12:12:00.001-05:00

I guess this isn't completely Winona's fault.

Never mind, it is. I mean, seriously, I think she might just be committing a real crime here, not just of fashion. I'm not sure what that fuzzy, furry, awful thing on the bottom of her coat is...and I'm don't really want to know.

Kate Walsh

2007-09-30T12:01:00.002-05:00

I know, this isn't that bad. Actually, the individual items of clothing look pretty nice. But would you dress like this to your wedding reception:

I mean, the dress is fine, but it looks like a beach-y maxi-dress you might wear to lounge lazily in the sun. And the sandals peeking out? What annoys me most, though, is her hair. I understand that this is probably a carefully contrived "sexy-messy" look, but to me, it just looks messy. Maybe some small, tiny part of me is offended by the fact of her wearing bare shoulders and sandals on the last day of September- in my part of the world, just looking at her makes me shiver.

Womens Denim from Playboy Store

Christina Ricci

2007-09-30T11:42:00.001-05:00

Oh boy. This is bad.

I could actually live with the dress; it's simple but nice. The shoes are to die for. But the combination of black shoes, black hair, dark dress, black clutch, and dark lips makes Christina's whole outfit look scary and Halloween-ish. She's way too pale to carry this off, and since I don't believe she was going to a funeral, this is too much.

Do you agree?

Couture Wedding Dress from House of Brides

Welcome

2007-09-29T21:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome, readers, new and old!
This is Fashion Poirot. I have moved from my old address at http://fashionpoirot.ebloggy.com, to this new blog. Don't worry! The old URL still works and please head over there to enjoy all of my previous posts!

So please, check back soon for my first official post at the new Fashion Poirot!